PENGUIN ATTACKS NEWT

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich (Is he still running?) was in St. Louis to speak to the National Rifle Association. Before his speech he went to the St. Louis Zoo where he was attacked by a penguin. The penguin pecked at Newt’s hand, after which the candidate required medical attention (a Band-Aid).
Former Independent presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin once lived in St. Louis. At that time he visited the zoo occasionally. Never was Perrin attacked by a penguin or any other creature at the zoo.

What is the difference? Did the St. Louis penguins just recognize Perrin as a good guy and take a liking to him while they knew that Gingrich was up to no good? Maybe the zoo keeper was a Democrat and trained the penguin to attack Republicans. Possibly the attack was not on Gingrich personally but on the fact that he was going to speak to the NRA.

A Gingrich spokesman says that the penguin attack will not deter the candidate from visiting zoos. "Newt is a zoo fan. He will be back," spokesman R. C. Hammond said. He may be back, but you can bet your ass, he’ll be careful around the penguins.

GINGRICH HELPS WITH TAXES

Good old Newt Gingrich. He was going to do all he could to help small businesses. He promised to help owners of small businesses reduce their tax burden. Even though the former speaker has dropped out of the presidential race, he is still doing his bit for tax reduction.

As his campaign ground to a halt, his flow of money dried up. Political campaigns cost a lot of money. All those signs and posters, the travel, hotels, pizzas: they add up. And the campaign doesn’t have enough money to pay all of them. Some venders who supplied material for the campaign have been waiting weeks or even months for their money. Those who tried to collect have been given the runaround by campaign officials.

A former staffer who declined to be identified explained that the situation will be to the vendors’ advantage when they come to pay their income taxes. The money they could not collect can be listed as a bad debt on their taxes. The bad debt will be deducted from income, thus lowering their taxable income. It’s a win-win for everyone, the former staffer insisted.

A COOL MILLION

Right-wing radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich a million dollars. All he has to do is drop out of the presidential race. Savage has nothing against Newt. He just doesn’t think the former Speaker of the House can defeat Obama. Also he is a fat, old, white man.

The offer got former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinking. Although Perrin, a bald, old, white man, was never a candidate for the Republican nomination, he ran for a while as an Independent, on the cheap beer ticket. He withdrew from the race when he realized he didn’t have a chance of winning. Nevertheless his presence as an Independent candidate could draw some of the votes for the crazies who supported some of those “are-you-kidding?” candidates. If enough of these voters cast a ballot for Perrin rather than the Republican candidate, it could throw the race to Obama.

Here’s Perrin’s offer to Michael Savage or anyone else who wants to take the challenge: For a hundred thousand Perrin will stay out of the race, and that will help the eventual Republican candidate, whoever he or she is.

HE DID IT FOR HIS COUNTRY

Our hats are off to Newt Gingrich. While he was attacking Bill Clinton for his little fling with the Lewinsky Bimbo, Newt was having a little fling of his own. Yes, the Speaker of the House was having his own affair with Callista, a former congressional aide, while he was still married to the second Mrs. Newt Gingrich.
However, Newt had a good reason to fall from grace. It was caused by his passion for his country. "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," he said. Unlike Clinton, who was evidently just randy, Gingrich did it for his country. You have to admire that kind of reasoning.

And everything turned out just fine. Callista became the third Mrs. Newt Gingrich. They now have a great marriage. Newt has asked for God’s forgiveness for mistakes in his past.

While he was Speaker, Gingrich managed to shut down the government and attack Clinton for doing the same thing he was doing. He told his second wife that he wanted a divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. But what the hell—no one is perfect. At least he’s smarter than Sarah Palin or Mike Huckabee.