DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE STUNNED BY NH LOSS

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was stunned by his poor showing in the New Hampshire primary yesterday. Even Dennis Kucinich ran ahead of Perrin with 1.4 percent of the vote. Votes for “Others” garnered only 1.1 percent. “I grew up in the state, went to school there, and starting teaching in Hollis, New Hampshire.” Perrin’s campaign was hurt by two things: the negative brochure that suggested he was a martini drinker—or even worse—a wine sipper, rather than a beer drinker. “The brochure was full of lies,” Perrin said, “but it still hurt me with the state’s beer drinkers.”

The second problem with Perrin’s campaign was that he depended on his connections with the state, and he never did any active campaigning. On primary day someone pointed out to Perrin that even though he grew up in the state, he hasn’t lived there for 50 years. “Only 50 years and no one knows me?” Perrin asked. “How quickly they forget.”

Despite his surprising loss in New Hampshire and Iowa, Perrin vows to go on. “I need to rethink my campaign strategy,” Perrin concedes. One big thing that pushed Hillary Clinton ahead of Barack Obama may have been her near breakdown in Portsmouth, NH, when someone asked her how she kept up the pace. “It is hard,” she said, “It is hard.” Tears welled up in her eyes, and her voice broke. The genuine emotion of that moment brought many people to see her as a real human being rather than a coldly scripted automaton.

Perrin’s campaign manager, Aristotle Mongoose, is working on some kind of question that might move Perrin to tears in public. “Like if we told him he would have to give up his afternoon nap during the rest of the campaign, that would make him cry.”

Perrin is not going to bother with the campaign in Nevada. He is going straight to South Carolina. Perrin spent a year and a half in Fort Jackson, just outside of Columbia. He and his army buddies hit practically every bar in town at some time or other, and they always drank cheap beer. Not only was Perrin stationed in South Carolina, but somehow he was assigned to the "Dixie Division." "That should get me some votes from Southerners," Perrin said.

IS PERRIN A SECRET OENOPHILE?

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin charges political dirty tricks. On the eve of the New Hampshire primary, where Perrin hoped to triumph because of his long-time connections with the state, someone has been passing around flyers that question the former English professor’s devotion to cheap beer. “It’s a vast left/right wing conspiracy,” Perrin says. “They’ll do anything to stop me!”

The flyer has a picture of the candidate, all dressed up to go partying. In his hand he holds, not a beer stein, but a martini glass. “Is this the kind of man you want in the White House?” the flyer asks. “Perrin may talk about cheap beer, but if he gets elected, you can bet wine will be served at every White House function.” The paper goes on to suggest that a man who changes his mind about beer can change his mind about other things as well. “Don’t believe Perrin’s promises,” the flyer states. “He will change his mind about them as soon as he is elected.”

Perrin is stunned by this dirty trick that comes just before the primaries. He knows it is sure to hurt him. He concedes that he might not win the New Hampshire primary, but he still hopes to make a good showing. “My Sigma Tau Gamma fraternity brothers will spread the word that I liked cheap beer way back when I was in college.”

COMMUNICATIONS/CAMPAIGN DIRECTOR

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was surprised to learn that some people in New Hampshire have never heard of him. It really shouldn’t have been surprising since he moved out of the state almost 50 years ago. However, with the New Hampshire primary coming up in a couple of months, it is crucial to get his name out to the Granite Staters.

What we need is someone to direct Perrin’s campaign in New Hampshire. Of course it would have to be a volunteer job since Perrin doesn’t have enough money to pay anyone. The campaign director should be someone younger than Perrin. (That shouldn’t be hard to find. Even John McCain is younger than Carl Perrin.) It should be someone who understands YouTube and FaceBook and stuff like that. There is no budget for advertising or anything, so the director would have to rely on free sources of publicity.

If you are interested in helping out in this important activity, you don’t even have to send in a resume or contact the candidate. Just get out there and get on the job. You’ll be doing a service for democracy.

FUND RAISING

Republican congressman Ron Paul raised $4.07 million dollars for his presidential campaign on Guy Fawkes Day (November 5). Senator Hillary Clinton raised even more than that on June 30. On that one day she collected $6.2 million.

Although his fund raising is nothing like that of Paul or Clinton, Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin recently had a big day. On Halloween Perrin raised $21.42. $1.42 was from a collection jar that he left in the clubhouse at his retirement village. The rest from in the form of a twenty-dollar bill he found in the parking lot.

Although other candidates have a lot more money than he has, Perrin isn’t worried. In just a couple of months the primary season will be open. Perrin doesn’t plan to campaign in Iowa, but he hopes to do well in New Hampshire. He’s not planning to spend any money in the Granite State, but he has a lot of contacts there. He grew up in Amherst, NH, and graduated from Amherst High School. He attended Keene Teachers College and graduated from the University of New Hampshire and earned at master’s degree from Rivier College in Nashua, NH. He also started his teaching career at Hollis High School in Hollis, NH.

Although Perrin is not planning to spend any of his campaign funds in New Hampshire, he knows New Hampshire people, and he knows they will understand his desire not to spend any money if he can avoid it.

PERRIN AND EDWARDS TO ACCEPT PUBLIC FINANCING FOR DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES

Two major Democratic candidates announced that they would accept public funding for their campaigns. Former North Carolina senator John Edwards said that he had made that decision not because of a shortage of funds but to make a distinction between himself and Senator Hillary Clinton. Edwards has charged that Clinton has accepted money from tainted sources that would make her beholden to them if she is elected. Edwards’ statement also reminded people that Senator Clinton had to return almost $1 million collected by fugitive from justice Norman Hsu.

Former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin also says that he has plenty of funds. His loyal supporters in Maine keep collecting those returnable cans and bottles and cashing them in at recycling centers. Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose says there is almost $500 in the campaign treasury.

Accepting public funding puts some limits on the campaign. For example, a candidate who accepts public financing cannot spend more than $800,000 in New Hampshire. “Shucks,” Perrin said, “I wasn’t planning to spend anything like that much in New Hampshire. After all, I grew up in the state. That should lead a lot of New Hampshire people to vote for me because I understand the state.”