PERRIN DENIES USE OF PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

Over 80 current and former major league baseball players have been accused of using performance enhancing drugs to boost their playing ability. Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens testified, unconvincingly that he has been unjustly accusing of being one of those who had used steroids or human growth hormones.

It is not surprising that suspicions soon turned to the presidential candidates. And who looks more suspicious than Carl Perrin, a 77-year-old with the stamina of a much younger man. People who know him say he has as much energy as a guy in his late sixties.

Perrin, however, insists that he has never used any performance-enhancing drugs, other than cheap beer. “My physical and intellectual prowess are just a natural gift,” Perrin said modestly.

HOW MANY MARBLES DOES DR PERRIN STILL HAVE?

A study at the University of Bari showed that older people who are losing it mentally may be able to keep it together a little longer by having one alcoholic drink a day. Participants in the studies were from their mid-sixties to their mid-eighties. Among those who experienced mild cognitive impairment, those who had up to one drink a day experienced less dementia than the teetotalers.

Lakewood, NJ, socialite Dr. Carl Perrin is known for his healthy life style. He is especially fond of health food if that food is chocolate, beer, or even coffee. Perrin wants to keep what marbles he still has, so he was particularly interested in the Bari study. If one drink a day is good for you mentally, two a day must be twice as good, Perrin reasoned. So he tries not to let a single day go by without a couple of drinks to help his mental health.

See Perrin above at left with a martini to help him keep as many marbles as he can.