SANTORUM EXPLAINS IT ALL

Speaking to a Republican group in Iowa, presidential wannabe Rick Santorum explained why American students had such low scores in American history. It was all part of a leftist plot to keep students in the dark about U.S. history so they don’t learn American values.

That explains why such prominent figures as Representative Michele Bachmann, an attorney, thought that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire rather than in Massachusetts and that the Founding Fathers had eliminated slavery in their lifetime, evidently not realizing that slavery had something to do with the Civil War. It also explains why former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin thought that Paul Revere rode through Massachusetts to warn the British about something.

Clearly the teachers these women had in school were secular humanists or something who went out of their way to keep information about the country’s history from their students. No doubt they belonged to teachers’ union and were more interested in getting big salaries than they were in educating students.

PERRIN MAKES ANNOUNCEMENT

Last Thursday former presidential candidate Dr Carl Perrin called a press conference. Everyone assumed that he was going to announce his candidacy for the upcoming election. Alas, media representatives were disappointed. Perrin was not ready to declare whether or not he would be running again.

Instead he served up a policy statement. It all boiled down to his opinion that cheap beer is good for the country. According to him cheap beer will solve all the country’s problems.

Unemployment and business problems would all be solved if more people drank cheap beer. Rather than drinking that expensive imported beer, if Americans spent more money on cheap domestic beer, more people would be put to work brewing, distributing, and selling beer. Obviously that would be good for working people and for businesses. As more people were put to work getting beer out to the public, the overcall business climate would improve. That would be good for the federal deficit because as more people entered the work force, income tax collection would improve. Improvement in business would further contribute to revenue for the federal government. Finally, Perrin said, if more people drank cheap beer, everyone would be happier. The happy feeling would help lift the nation out of the doldrums and bring back that good old American can-do spirit.

Reporters naturally wanted to know whether Perrin had decided whether to run for election again. Refusing to respond to the question, he ended the press conference.

PERRIN SENDS PICTURE TO COLLEGE STUDENT

Shocking news hit media today as journalists learned that Dr. Carl Perrin had sent a picture of himself to college student. In the picture on-again/off-again presidential candidate Carl Perrin is munching on a chocolate bar.

Just because he is shown eating a piece of chocolate doesn’t mean that he is a chocoholic, Perrin insisted to reporters. “Lots of people eat chocolate every day, and no one makes anything of it,” the retired college professor added.

“Isn’t a college student a little young for you?” one of the reporters asked.

“She may be a college student,” Perrin replied, “but she is over 21. We both enjoy chocolate, so whatever we do is between consenting adults, and it’s nobody else’s beeswax.”

“Is this going to end your candidacy for the presidency?” a reporter for Leisure Times asked.

“I have not yet decided whether to run, but if I do, I will not let this stand in my way. I went through a tough campaign in 2008. I didn’t let anything stop me then, and I won’t let anything stop me now.”

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

At last count there were 37 Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential election. That doesn’t include people no one ever heard of or who have no chance in hell of even being nominated.

Former Speaker New Gingrich has too many negatives. A born-again Catholic, he cheated on his second wife and tried to say he did it for his country. He also keeps shooting himself in the foot. Not a chance.

Ron Paul creates a lot of excitement among a small of group of people, not enough to get him the nomination.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has good conservative credentials. Compared to some of the Republican firebrands, T-Paw seems fairly sane. The problem is, compared to them, many people find him boring.

Mitt Romney has been the front runner since the last election. His problem is that he wobbles back and forth on every issue. To his credit he was governor of Massachusetts when that state enacted medical insurance program much like the new federal program. Unfortunately he keeps trying to deny it. After all these years on the campaign trail no one knows where he stands. On anything.

One-term senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum lost his reelection bid by 18 points. A loser.

Congresswoman Michele Bachman is a lawyer but she doesn’t seem to know details of American history that we would expect any seventh grader to know. It’s hard to take her presidential campaign seriously.

Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman served as U S Ambassador to China until this January. A conservative who is respected by liberals, he seems too sane to win the Republican nomination.

Is Sarah Palin running or not? She won’t speak to the “lamestream media” because they twist everything she says. Although she still excites a lot of conservatives, she is losing support among mainstream Republicans. Democrats hope she will run because she seems so shallow that it will be easy to defeat her.

Haley Barbour is a good ole boy and former governor of Mississippi. He wisely decided that he had no chance of winning and withdrew his candidacy.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said not just “no” but “hell no.” Politicians do change their mind, but we don’t expect him to run in this election.

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels thought about it and said “no.” It seems pretty clear that he means it.

Mike Huckabee, who thought that Barack Obama grew up in Kenya, gave some thought to running for the presidency again. When he realized how much money he would have to give up from his books, speeches, etc, he said “no.” Wise move, Mike.

It’s hard to believe any sane person would believe Donald Trump’s candidacy. Oh, yes, that’s right; we’re not talking about sane people; we talking about politics. Even his hair should disqualify Trump. How much time does he spend every day making sure his hair is just right? He would never have time to preside even if he were elected.

Where does all this leave retired English professor and former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? He is not saying. If he runs at all, will it be as a Democrat, a Republican, or an Independent? No one knows. The only thing anyone knows is that knows for sure is that the basis for Perrin’s campaign is that he will be in favor of cheap beer.

LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE

I know I told everyone, at least everyone who would listen, that the world would end on May 22. I know a lot of people are pissed off at me. Well, what can I say? I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t tell anyone what to do with their worldly goods in order to get ready for the rapture. I just said that 200,000 Christians would be taken to heaven on that date. And all the heathens would be left behind.

A lot of people gave everything away, told their bosses to take their job and shove it, and stuff like that. They really burned their bridges behind them. All is not lost, brothers and sisters. I was off on the date when everything is going to happen. No, really. My math was a little off. It’s really going to happen on October 21. I’m sure of it this time.

Maybe you don’t have any money because you gave it all away. You don’t have a place to live since you gave that up too. You don’t have a job because you told your boss to shove it. Just look at the good side. At least you won’t be out in the cold. You’ll be waiting through the summer months. You can probably get food stamps or something, so you’ll be okay until October.

Harold Camping

PERRIN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

Of the Computer Club, that is. In June the Leisure Village Computer Club will elect officers for the next year. At this month’s meeting, club president Dr. Carl Perrin announced that he and the other officers are running for reelection.

After the announcement he cleared up a question that must have been in the minds of many club members: What if he runs for the presidency of the United States and is elected to both offices? Will he just forget about the Computer Club and take care of all that Washington political stuff?

Perrin assured members that it would be no problem. Though he has not yet committed to running for the White House again, it is still an option. Although his is not the first name that comes to mind for most people when they consider presidential candidates, he surely has as much chance as some of the bozos who are throwing their hats into the ring.

If by chance, Perrin is elected president of the Computer Club and the United States, he assured club members that he would be able to handle both jobs. “After all,” he asked, “How many days did George Bush spend at his Texas ranch while he was president?” The president has to get some time off just like anyone else. Perrin figured he could come to New Jersey over the weekend and fly back after the club meeting on Monday. If something came up in Washington over the weekend, he would have no problem taking care of it from the Garden State. After all, that’s what the Internet is for.

OBAMA IS BEHIND THE BIRTHER CONSPIRACY

Side show performer Donald Trump declared himself proud to have brought the birther conspiracy to a head which resulted in President Obama’s displaying his birth certificate on live television. Sarah Palin had called questions about the president’s birthplace “fair game.” After the president showed the birth certificate, Palin said that Trump had forced the issue. She warned her followers not to be distracted by that but to concentrate on the real issues.

In reference to Obama’s long-form birth certificate, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said, “It’s maddening and I just wish the president would engage in the real issues that are affecting America.” Former Senator Rick Santorum, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor were among those joining the chorus of insisting that the president should focus on the real issues. It’s difficult to understand how these men can say such things with a straight face after all the clowns who have been braying birther bullshit. The legislature of Arizona sent a bill to the governor which called for all presidential candidates in the state prove their citizenship.

On Alan Colmes' radio show former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo suggested that the president and Democrats had withheld the birth certificate for so long for their own nefarious reasons: “Now they very well may not want to show it because they want to propagate this whole thing that's going on about birthers. ... They may be doing it for that reason; I don't know why they don't want anyone to see it. ... They want it propagated because you know – “

Colmes responded, “It makes your party look nuts!”

The idea, according to Tancredo, is that Obama withheld his birth certificate until now simply for the purpose of making Republicans look foolish. That is not true. Republicans can look foolish without any help from Barack Obama.