WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

New York Democratic governor Eliot Spitzer got caught using the services of a high-priced call girl. Spitzer, Mr. Clean, the sheriff of Wall Street, the politician who was going to bring a much-needed dose of ethics to Albany, who as attorney general prosecuted prostitution rings, including a Staten Island ring that resulted in the arrest of 18 people inn 2004—that Eliot Spitzer? Yes, indeed. While in Washington last month he secured the services of a high-priced call girl. Federal investigators have recordings of the governor’s arrangements for the rendezvous. The recordings indicate that he was a return customer.

Well, it could be worse. At least Spitzer was with a call girl. It’s not like some Republican law makers, such as Senator Larry (wide-stance) Craig, who was arrested after an encounter with an undercover male police office in an airport rest room. Or former Florida congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after improper e-mail messages to male teen-age pages became public.

At least Eliot Spitzer’s hank-panky was with women, not men. In the tradition of Bill Clinton, Democrats who get in trouble over sexual impropriety keep it heterosexual.

Of course, except for former New Jersey governor James McGreevey—but let’s not go there.

PERRIN CHARGES SNEAK ATTACK

On the eve of the Ohio and Texas primaries, the vast right/left wing conspiracy unleashed a sneak attack on Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin. “They’ll do anything to stop me,” the candidate said. They know I’m the only Democrat who can look John McCain in the face and say, “Sonny boy, why don’t you leave these things to your elders?”

The attack is particularly insidious. Just a few days ago the public learned that “Surviving with Wolves” by Misha Defonseca, a memoir of surviving the holocaust and being adopted by wolves was fake. Not only was the story patently false, but Defonseca is not even Jewish. Then just a few days later, we learn that “Love and Consequences” by Margaret Jones, a memoir about growing up among street gangs in Los Angeles, is another fake. The author, whose real name is Margaret Seltzer, grew up in a well-to-do neighborhood and never did the things described in the so-called memoir.

Now people who are trying to destroy Carl Perrin’s run for the Democratic nomination are saying that he too has a phony memoir. The book in question is a grammar book called “Subject Meets Verb: A Love Story.” Perrin had the book printed and used it in his English classes at Casco Bay College in Portland, Maine. Trying to lift his book above the deadly dullness of the typical grammar book, Perrin invented some characters to use in examples in the book. The main characters are a Professor Aristotle Mongoose and his love, Miss Sweetcakes.”Mongoose and Miss Sweetcakes share a love for each other and for chocolate. The professor is described as being witty and having a “dapper mustache.” Perrin’s students always charged that Mongoose was a stand-in for Perrin himself.

It is true that Perrin never denied that charge, but he never claimed that “Subject Meets Verb” was a memoir. Now political opponents are claiming that the book is in fact a memoir and his students knew that. Political enemies further allege that Perrin was never in charge of the Chocolate Lab at Hedgehog College, and in fact never even taught at Hedgehog College. Perrin is very frustrated by these charges because they are true: He never taught at HC, but he insists that he never claimed to be Aristotle Mongoose. It is a classic dirty trick, to put a twist on the facts and distort the truth so that it no longer is true.

VETO MAKES WORLD SAFE FOR WATERBOARDING

President Bush vetoed a bill that would outlaw waterboarding by the CIA. “We want to use the technique on some of those Democratic trouble makers,” the president said, smiling to show that it was just a joke.

Meantime, the vice president’s old company is making soldiers sick—literally. KBR, a subsidiary of Halliburton, is supplying water to the troops. The Pentagon found that the water was "was not maintained in accordance with field water sanitary standards." Soldiers were breaking out with skin rashes and other ailments. The water was used for laundry and personal hygiene. Thank God the troops didn’t have to drink the stuff.

In other political news, two Vermont towns, Brattleboro and Marlboro, voted to do the job that Congress should have done. The two towns voted to impeach President Bush and Vice President Cheney for violating the Constitution. Voters realize that the town has no authority to arrest the president and vice president, but the vote gave them a chance to express their anger about the way that the administration involved the country in the war in Iraq .

U.S. NOT HEADED FOR RECESSION

The U.S. is not headed for a recession according to President George Bush. “We acted robustly to head that off,” he said. “We’re giving everyone $300. We’re even giving it to Democrats, even to people who didn’t vote for us. I hope they’ll remember that $300 when they go to the polls in November. No one can accuse us of just helping rich folks pay less in taxes.”

As for the people losing their homes through mortgage foreclosures, the president said it was just the economy working. “People bought homes they couldn’t afford, and the market place is taking those homes away. That’s the way the system works, and the sooner people learn that, they better off we’ll be.”

By November Mr. Bush believes the market will have made a complete correction, and the people will see the need to keep a Republican government in office. “John McCain has supported our war effort from the beginning. If our troops are not able to discover weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before the end of my term, I’m sure that the McCain administration will be successful in that search.”

MALE STRIPPER

Some sanctimonious Puritans are trying to get Carl Perrin removed from any remaining primary ballots. They are charging that the former English professor once worked as a male stripper at the Kit Kat Klub in Portland, Maine.

Perrin vehemently denies the charge. He admits he used to go to the club once in a while, but he insists that he never worked as a professional stripper. “Sure, I took my clothes off at the club once, but it was just once, and I was never a professional stripper.

“Besides, it was a long time ago. I was just a kid, still in my fifties. We were at the club, and I had had a few too many scotches. These women in the next table kept egging me on, saying, ‘Come on, Big Boy, let’s see you get up there and show your stuff.’ So I got up and started taking my clothes off. When I got down to my underwear, my wife pulled me off the floor and took me home.

“That’s all there was to it. This stuff about being a professional stripper is a smear tactic by my political enemies. They’ll do anything to stop me.”

HILLARY MAKES COMEBACK!

Hillary Clinton won in both delegate-rich states, Texas and Ohio. She also won in Rhode Island, while Barak Obama won in Vermont. Obama is still ahead in delegate count, but the New York senator has narrowed his lead. The race is still on with no clear-cut top dog for the ultimate prize. On the Republican side, John McCain came out with a clear victory. He will be the Republican candidate for the presidency.

Attention now focuses on Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. He has not picked up a single delegate (although he did get a few votes in his retirement community). Will he stay in the race? The answer to that question is, yes. Perrin realizes that it is mathematically impossible for him to get enough votes in the upcoming primaries to win the nomination that way. “I am suspending campaigning, but I am not withdrawing from the race. It ain’t over until it’s over,” the former English professor said.

According to insiders, the way Perrin sees it, the battle between Obama and Clinton will go all the way to the convention. The two senators will each have about the same number of delegates, so the convention will not be able to choose between them. They will have to find a compromise candidate, someone like Professor Carl Perrin.

The fact that the Republican candidate will be John McCain will work in Perrin’s favor. A lot of seniors will vote for McCain because of his age. It would be a big mistake for Democrats to let the GOP take all the geezer votes.

TEXAS AND OHIO

This is the big day in Democratic politics. If Hillary doesn’t do well in the Texas and Ohio primaries, will she drop out? Some people are urging her to back out gracefully. Any attacks she makes on Barack could be used by the Republicans in the general election in the fall. She insists that she has just begun the fight. Tomorrow the political landscape could look very different. Or not.

No one is urging Dr Carl Perrin to drop out of the race. Frankly most people don’t even know that he is still in the race, but he is wondering whether he has a chance of picking up even one delegate. He knows that he has no chance of winning in Texas, but Ohio is a different thing. He lived in Defiance, Ohio, for nine years and taught at Defiance College. He earned his Ph.D. at Ohio State University.

The former English professor knows that he can’t win in Ohio, but he is still desperately hoping he can pick up at least one or two delegates. Insiders say that if he doesn’t get any votes, he will consider dropping out of the race. Perrin himself will not confirm this. “Don’t count me out,” he says grimly.