CARL PERRIN AS VICE PRESIDENT?

It is pretty much settled that Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential nominee. But who will his running mate be? Various Republican governors, senators, and members of Congress have been suggested. When the question is put to any of these potential vice presidential candidates, they all give some variation of, “No, I’m not really looking for that job, but if Governor Romney were to ask me, I would have to give it serious consideration.” All of them are just playing hard to get.

It occurred to us to wonder, what if Romney chose someone out of left field. That’s what Senator McCain did in the last election. He chose the little-known and highly improbable running mate, the Governor of Alaska. What if Mitt asked Carl Perrin to be his running mate? When we put the question to Perrin, he evaded it, saying, “Romney wouldn’t choose me. I’m not even a Republican.”

“But what if,” we insisted. “After all, you were born in Massachusetts. You have that connection with Governor Romney.”

“That’s about the only thing we have in common. Why would Romney even want me on the ticket?”

“You could attract the geezer vote.”

“The geezer vote? Hmm. What is the salary for vice president?”

Thousand Dollar Shirt

PENGUIN ATTACKS NEWT

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich (Is he still running?) was in St. Louis to speak to the National Rifle Association. Before his speech he went to the St. Louis Zoo where he was attacked by a penguin. The penguin pecked at Newt’s hand, after which the candidate required medical attention (a Band-Aid).
Former Independent presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin once lived in St. Louis. At that time he visited the zoo occasionally. Never was Perrin attacked by a penguin or any other creature at the zoo.

What is the difference? Did the St. Louis penguins just recognize Perrin as a good guy and take a liking to him while they knew that Gingrich was up to no good? Maybe the zoo keeper was a Democrat and trained the penguin to attack Republicans. Possibly the attack was not on Gingrich personally but on the fact that he was going to speak to the NRA.

A Gingrich spokesman says that the penguin attack will not deter the candidate from visiting zoos. "Newt is a zoo fan. He will be back," spokesman R. C. Hammond said. He may be back, but you can bet your ass, he’ll be careful around the penguins.

GINGRICH HELPS WITH TAXES

Good old Newt Gingrich. He was going to do all he could to help small businesses. He promised to help owners of small businesses reduce their tax burden. Even though the former speaker has dropped out of the presidential race, he is still doing his bit for tax reduction.

As his campaign ground to a halt, his flow of money dried up. Political campaigns cost a lot of money. All those signs and posters, the travel, hotels, pizzas: they add up. And the campaign doesn’t have enough money to pay all of them. Some venders who supplied material for the campaign have been waiting weeks or even months for their money. Those who tried to collect have been given the runaround by campaign officials.

A former staffer who declined to be identified explained that the situation will be to the vendors’ advantage when they come to pay their income taxes. The money they could not collect can be listed as a bad debt on their taxes. The bad debt will be deducted from income, thus lowering their taxable income. It’s a win-win for everyone, the former staffer insisted.

A BEAUTIFUL MAN

British columnist Samantha Brick wrote about the perils of being beautiful. She writes, "I'm tall, slim, blonde and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty, the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks."

Some people have started making fun of Ms Brick for her perceived vanity. Lakewood, NJ, resident Carl Perrin, however, was never one to make fun of other people. He feels her pain. He knows just how she feels.

When he was in his forties, one woman he knew used to call him a “beautiful man.” She was not the only woman who used the word “beautiful” to describe him. Perrin has had a long and successful career as a teacher, a writer, and other stuff. How much of his success, he sometimes wonders, is due to his good looks rather than his many talents.

Even now, in his eighties, people want him to serve on committees, commissions, boards, etc., even though he’s so deaf he can’t hear what the hell is going on. In his heart of hearts he knows they just want him because he’s a pretty face.

from Elmurst Community Theatre

I started to walk past a door that was slightly ajar. As I got to the door, a hand reached out and pulled me inside. I was so surprised that I almost spilled the drink.

It was Leila. She closed the door, fastened her mouth on mine, and reached for my crotch. In no time at all, she had unfastened my belt, unzipped my fly, and pushed my pants down to my thighs.

We were in the den. We moved toward a couch and fell down on it. I reached under her skirt, pulled her panties off, and threw them on the floor. “Praise the Lord!” she said when I plunged into her. We were not in a comfortable position. We both had one leg on the couch and one on the floor, but we didn’t let a little thing like discomfort stop us. We went at it like two beasts in heat—
--until we heard someone shouting outside.

It was a male voice shouting, “You son of a bitch! You’ve been fooling around with my wife! I know what’s been going on.”

“Oh dear Lord,” Leila said. “It’s Chester! It’s my
husband!”

The voice from outside yelled, “Let me tell you, you’re going to regret the day you decided to try something with my wife!”

Then we heard a chorus of voices yelling, “No! Don’t do that! No, Chester! Chester, don’t!”

The next thing we heard was a gunshot, followed by voices saying, “Oh! Oh my god! Oh, no!” Then there was another gunshot.

I ran out the back door into the woods, pulling my pants up as I ran.

Click here to read more of Elmhurst Community Theatre

THE PERFECT CANDIDATE

Rick Santorum believes that ignorance is bliss. Anyone who wants young people to go to college must be a snob. Once students get into college, all those liberal professors teach them to think for themselves. That isn’t a good thing.

When he was in Congress, he consistently voted for earmarks, goodies for his home state, even though they added to the federal deficit. “You have to take one for the team,” he said, explaining why he voted for No Child Left Behind, even though he didn’t believe in it.

The former Pennsylvania senator thinks it was a mistake for the federal government to bail out the American automobile industry. In his mind, it would have been better to just let Chrysler and General Motors go belly up. I’m not sure why he feels that would have been good for the economy, but I’m sure he has his reasons.

He doesn’t believe there should be an absolute separation of church and state. In his mind, evidently it would be okay to have the Catholic Church, for example, not only banning all abortions but also outlawing contraceptives for everyone.

Why wouldn’t any true blue American want to vote for a man who thinks like that?

Don’t think that I’m totally against Rick Santorum. I like his sweater vests.