The Alternative

EXCERPT FROM ELMHURST COMMUNITY THEATRE

2012-01-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

The opening night went from one disaster to another, building to a climax at the beginning of act three. Francine’s voice had been getting smaller with each scene. By the third act even the people standing next to her on stage couldn’t hear her. She gave her line: I surrendered my innocence to that beast Black Bart.

Standing in the wings, I could see her lips move, but I wasn’t sure if any sound was coming out.

Mabel looked at her and said, “Francine, you’ll have to speak up. We can’t hear you.”

Francine looked startled, like someone who had been suddenly awakened from a deep sleep. Her eyes darted around the stage and then swept out to the audience. She stood motionless for a minute or so, but it seemed like an hour. Thelma was prompting Mabel with her line: That beast must be made to pay for this!

No one on stage was saying anything. Francine looked wildly around one more time and then ran off stage—into my waiting arms.

“Francine,” I said, “it’s okay. You’re doing fine.” I was both trying to calm her down and prevent her from fleeing out of the theatre. I don’t know what made me think it would still be possible to save this awful production. I just acted automatically.

“You’ve got to go back on, Francine,” I said. “That’s the only way we can save the play.”

“Oh, but I can’t. I’m too embarrassed.”

“You have to. You owe it to the rest of the cast who have worked so hard.”

“I can’t!”

I was half pulling and half coaxing Francine toward the door in the back wall. I got her into the doorway and said, “You can do it, Francine,” as I pushed her onto the stage.

In trying to resist, she caught her shoulder on the doorway, and the set started to teeter. I heard someone in the audience yell, “Look out!” And then the set collapsed on stage.

“Close the curtain!” I yelled. “Close the curtain!”

For a moment we were there in the silence of the shambles of our production. Then I heard a few hands clapping. What the hell were they doing, I wondered, applauding because the play was over? The applause grew stronger and rose to a crescendo.

“Open the curtain for a curtain call!” I yelled. The audience was on its feet giving us a standing ovation.

In the morning Polly invited me over for breakfast and the play reviews. I wasn’t particularly interested in reading about my humiliation. “They’re not bad at all,” she said. “Buddy got the papers from Manchester and Nashua.”

“Here’s the Union Leader,” Buddy said, handing me the Manchester paper opened to the review.

BRILLIANT PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA

Elmhurst Community Theatre’s summer production, Flossie Finds Romance, opened Friday night. Elmhurst is fortunate to have the talents of a man like Curtis Booth to bring out the deep Freudian message of the play.

As the show opens, we see two sisters, Flossie and Belle, played by Mabel Brown and Francine O’Reilly, working as pickle slicers in a pickle factory once owned by their father. The father has been unjustly charged with embezzlement and put in jail. The factory is now owned by the evil Black Bart. Curtis Booth plays both roles with the same brilliance he has shown in his long Hollywood career.

The Freudian significance of the play is obvious with the phallic symbol of the pickles along with the castration fantasy of slicing the pickles. The younger sister Belle is suffering from an unresolved Electra complex. She fantasizes about kinky sex with Black Bart, an older man who represents a father figure. Flossie as well as Montague Badnick, played by Nick Reynard, and Rupert Trueheart, played by Walter LeDoux, helps Belle overcome the father fixation and transfer her longings to a more age-appropriate suitor.

The play evokes the three Freudian elements of the personality with Flossie representing the ego, Black Bart representing the id, and Rupert Trueheart representing the superego. At the end of the show, everything collapses around the players as they symbolically return to the womb. The play is riveting from the beginning to the thrill-packed end.

“It must take a really sick mind to write this kind of crap,” I said.

“That’s not so bad,” Polly said, refilling my coffee. “More toast?”

“No thanks.” I really didn’t have much appetite.

“Here’s the Nashua paper,” Buddy said, handing it over opened to the review.

RADIANT STORY OF CLASS STRUGGLE

Multi-talented Curtis Booth, known for his roles in dozens of top films, has lent his great gifts to the Elmhurst Community Theatre’s production of Flossie Finds Romance. The play is a gripping tale of the class struggle that occurs when management exploits labor.

Management, represented by Black Bart, played by Booth himself, and abetted by Montague Badnick, played by Nick Reynolds, keeps raising production quotas. The evil pair delights in creating harsh working conditions, such as making the workers in the pickle factory peel onions until their eyes are full of tears.

Not content with the exploitation of wage slavery, Black Bart also tries to seduce Flossie and Belle, played by Mabel Brown and Francine O’Reilly. Rupert Trueheart, played by Walter LeDoux, is a working class hero, who saves the girls from Black Bart’s evil clutches.

The turning point in the play comes when Montague Badnick recognizes the evil of capitalistic exploitation and switches sides. Good triumphs over evil and freedom over wage slavery as the workers prepare to go out on strike.

An especially adept directorial touch comes at the end of the play where the walls collapse around the actors on stage, symbolizing the collapse of capitalism and the triumph of the working class. As the walls fall down, Rupert Trueheart, the working class hero, shouts, “Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!”

Sometimes I think I’m the only sane person left in the world.

Click here to find more about Elmhurst Community Theatre

ELMHURST COMMUNITY THEATRE

2012-01-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

Curtis Booth an out-of-work actor is roped into directing an amateur play. He desperately needs the stipend they are paying him. The play is terrible, and the cast is worse. Rehearsals are one disaster after another.

When Booth is not struggling with the play, he is trying to keep away from female admirer whose jealous husband packs a pistol.

At opening night the set collapses onto the actors on stage.

After that, it gets worse.

You can get Elmhurst Community Theatre as an eBook for kindle or a nook reader. You can get a paperback copy from Lulu. You can also read it online as a pdf. Go to carlperrin.com/ to learn more about Elmhurst Community Theatre.

Sweater Vests

2012-01-06T04:23:00.000-08:00

Rick Santorum came from behind to tie for first place in the Iowa caucuses. Did you ever notice how often he wears a sweater vest?

Just saying.

TRUMP AND BALDWIN

2012-01-04T13:04:00.001-08:00

Donald Trump is threatening to endorse one of the Republican candidates for the presidency. Trump’s endorsement, of course, would be a kiss of death, like an endorsement from Dick Cheney. Anyone endorsed by Trump would soon lose any rational supporters. If Trump thinks he is okay, there must be something with him.

Former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was considering going back into the race, but Trump’s threat changed his mind. It would be just like the Donald to endorse Perrin so that potential supporters would back away.

Perrin has something else to look forward to, though. Alec Baldwin showed once again what a jerk he is when he got booted off a plane in LA after he refused to turn off his cell phone. Baldwin had done some television ads for Wegman’s Food Markets. After customers complained, the company pulled the Baldwin ads. (He had been hired after stating that his mother was a loyal Wegmans customer.)

Perrin figured that Wegmans must be looking for a actor to do some ads. Perrin has been on stage in lots of amateur plays, and he is the author of Elmhurst Community Theatre (carlperrin.com). Perrin’s mother never shopped at Wegman’s, as far as he knows, but she did loyally shop at Publix Supermarket in Fort Lauderdale. Maybe they could use some ads by a celebrity like Perrin.

2011-12-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

THE BEGINNING OF ELMHURST COMMUNITY THEATRE

I’m a prostitute. I don’t mean I sell my body for money. Nothing as interesting as that. I sold my soul for a goddamn theatre. I didn’t even do it for the sake of ART. God no! None of that artistic bullshit for me. I thought I could get an easy living out of the theatre. And what’s a little soul, especially a moth-eaten soul like mine in exchange for an easy living? But I was wrong about the easy living part. I had never been so wrong in a lifetime of wrong turns, wrong decisions, wrong choices, a lifetime strewn with disastrous mistakes of every sort. I never worked so hard in my life as I did for the Elmhurst Community Theatre.

I wouldn’t have gone as far as I did if it had not been for Lance Braddock. He was the Mephistopheles that tempted me and led me to ignore all reason and common sense when

I smelled the chance of an easy living. But I shouldn’t have mentioned Braddock yet because I didn’t meet him until several months after this story begins.

My name is Curtis Booth. I know you don’t recognize the name. It doesn’t even ring a bell, does it? And yet you’ve seen me dozens of times, hundreds of times. If you’ve ever gone to the movies, you’ve seen me. I’ve lost track of the number of films I’ve been in, even a few pretty good ones. But I might have appeared in a scene or two, have half a dozen lines in each scene, and that was it. I never played a memorable role, was in a memorable scene, or spoke a memorable line.

I never graduated to meatier roles, but I spent a lot of years in Hollywood. I was in Song of the West. You saw that, didn’t you? Everyone saw it. It was very popular. Do you remember me now? I was one of the villain’s henchmen. I had a big bushy mustache in that film. You still don’t remember me? I’m not surprised. No one does. No one except the people in the hick town where I spent my summers, Elmhurst, New Hampshire. They all think I’m famous, the local boy who made good, who became a movie star.

Well, I may not be famous, but I know my way around Hollywood. I paid my dues. Yes sir, I paid my dues, and I deserve a goddamn break. I had gained a little weight. I was showing my age, and it got so I wasn’t even getting those crummy roles any more. I was even auditioning for radio commercials! And I wasn’t getting callbacks for those! I was becoming a career waiter in a rundown Italian restaurant. Then I got fired from that job.

I was suspicious when I got a call from a lawyer in Manchester, New Hampshire. He had the kind of voice that oozed false friendliness. But you knew he was just waiting for a chance to stab you in the back. I figured one of my ex-wives was trying to collect back alimony. I was ready to say, “Hey, Buddy, you can’t get blood out of a turnip,” although the two of them had sure as hell tried. But it turned out that the lawyer had good news for me—sort of.

He said his name was Grant Billings, and then he asked, “Am I talking to Ishmael Schmidt?”

I thought, Jesus Christ, no one had called me by that name for over twenty years. Can you imagine giving a kid a name like that in this day and age? I don’t know whether the name was from the Bible or from Melville’s classic work. I’ve never forgiven my parents for sticking me with that name. I had red hair when I was a kid, and everyone called me “Red.” I never liked that name either, but it was a hell of a lot better than Ishmael, or Ishy, the name some kids called me when they wanted to get me going.

Hesitantly I told the lawyer that I was Ishmael Schmidt.

“Did you have an uncle named Frederick Schmidt?” he asked.

Uncle Freddie had died almost a year before that. I hadn’t been able to go back East for the funeral. I always liked Uncle Freddy. When I was a kid, I used to spend summers on his farm in New Hampshire. I would have gone back, but I was involved in a film at the time. My role was so small that they would have been glad to let me go, but then I would have lost the part. Even so, I hadn’t had a role since then.

Billings said, “Well, you are Frederick Schmidt’s sole heir.”

I was surprised. I didn’t know that Uncle Freddy had anything to leave. As it turned out, all he had to leave was the farm itself. Oh Goodie, I thought. I can go back to the farm and shovel cow shit for the rest of my life. But the fact is, I was just about out of money, and the landlord was getting ready to evict me from my apartment. I had no place else to go.

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A COOL MILLION

2011-12-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

Right-wing radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich a million dollars. All he has to do is drop out of the presidential race. Savage has nothing against Newt. He just doesn’t think the former Speaker of the House can defeat Obama. Also he is a fat, old, white man.

The offer got former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinking. Although Perrin, a bald, old, white man, was never a candidate for the Republican nomination, he ran for a while as an Independent, on the cheap beer ticket. He withdrew from the race when he realized he didn’t have a chance of winning. Nevertheless his presence as an Independent candidate could draw some of the votes for the crazies who supported some of those “are-you-kidding?” candidates. If enough of these voters cast a ballot for Perrin rather than the Republican candidate, it could throw the race to Obama.

Here’s Perrin’s offer to Michael Savage or anyone else who wants to take the challenge: For a hundred thousand Perrin will stay out of the race, and that will help the eventual Republican candidate, whoever he or she is.

PERRIN'S REGRETS

2011-12-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

Former presidential candidate Carl Perrin is beginning to regret that he withdrew from the race. Herman Cain stayed in long after he should have withdrawn because he was getting his name out and generating sales of his book.

Former House leader Newt Gingrich is going one better. He gives a political speech and then offers his books (plural) for sale. At the same time his wife Callista sells some of the children’s books that she wrote.

Perrin has written a few books also He really regrets the missed opportunity. He could have given a speech about the value of cheap beer and then offer some books for sale. You can find out about some of his books at this link:carlperrin.com

If he had stayed in the race, he might even have been invited to Donald Trump’s circus debate along with Gingrich and Rick Whatisname. Perrin would have brought his birth certificate along so he would be ready for the important issues that Trump would be likely to cover.

2011-11-24T06:59:00.000-08:00

Like everyone else, former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has a few regrets. One of those is that he didn’t follow the example of pizza man Herman Cain. While Cain was pretending to run for the presidency, he actually got his name out in a way that would promote his book, My Journey to the White House.

Perrin could have done the same, but he took his candidacy more seriously than Cain did. Now Perrin’s book is out, Elmhurst Community Theatre. The novel recounts the travails of an out-of-work actor who struggles with a rag-tag cast to produce one of the worst plays ever written. At this point it is available only as an electronic book, which can be purchased from Amazon.com as a kindle book or from Barnes and Noble for a nook reader.

Click on Perrin’s website to get more details:

carlperrin.com

CAMPAIGN DIRT

2011-11-03T09:32:00.001-07:00

For some reason lots of Republicans liked Herman Cain, despite his half-baked tax ideas, his confessed ignorance of foreign policy, and his ability to come down on all sides of issues like abortion. Now questions about sexual harassment seem about to derail his campaign for the presidency.

Some insiders are speculating that former Independent candidate Dr. Carl Perrin dropped out of the race a few weeks ago because he feared that opponents would dig up skeletons in his past.

Certainly there was plenty of dirt dug up about him when he ran for the office in 2008. Some charged that he got away with not paying a fine for an overdue book at the Portland, ME, library in 1989. He protested his innocence in that matter, but was not able to produce a receipt to prove he had paid the $1.60 fine.

Political opponents charged that the former English professor was a chocoholic. He did not deny that charge, but claimed that he had the addiction under control. He was not, he said, going to get hopped up on Hershey bars and invade Nova Scotia or anything like that.

Although he campaigned on a platform of cheap beer, some acquaintances alleged that he was a secret oenophile. He angrily denied that and insisted that his beverage of choice had always been cheap beer.

The biggest bombshell to drop on Perrin’s campaign was the accusation that he had been in an improper relationship with a transvestite Russian spy named Natashia, shown above with Perrin in his reserve officer’s uniform in the 1970s. When confronted with the allegation, Perrin angrily stated that he never noticed that Natashia had a mustache, and anyway, it was not that kind of relationship. They were just friends, the former professor claimed.

Political insiders speculate that there were even more damning secrets in Perrin’s past. He dropped out of the campaign of fear that they would come to the surface to haunt him.

LIBERALS KILLED CHRIST?

2011-10-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

Last December Herman Cain wrote an article in which he claimed that Jesus was killed by a “liberal court.” According to the pizza man, Jesus was not read his Miranda Rights when he was arrested, and a liberal court found him guilty of false offenses because he had changed the hearts and minds of men. It’s not clear to me why Cain finds this a “liberal court,” but it an example of the man’s thinking.

Mr. Cain had this to say about the Wall Street protesters, "Don't blame Wall Street. Don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself." One of his fellow Republican candidates (Ron Paul) criticized Cain for blaming the victims.

Cain’s signature proposal, the 9-9-9, would pile a huge burden of taxes on the poor and the middle class.

And yet, he received 37 percent of the Republican straw vote in Florida, 55 percent of the straw vote in South Carolina. And 77 percent of the TeaCon straw vote in Schaumburg.

Amazing!

NUDE POLITICIANS

2011-10-08T03:35:00.000-07:00

When Senator Scott Brown was a student at Boston College Law School, he posed in the nude for Cosmo magazine. The money he got for posing helped pay his tuition at law school. Elizabeth Warren, the woman who will probably be his opponent in next years’ senatorial race, was asked how she financed her education. She said, “I kept my clothes on.” Brown’s response was, “Thank God.”

The infighting between these two candidates brought out an incident in one-time presidential candidate Carl Perrin’s campaign. Campaign funds had shrunk so low that there was not enough money even to buy a case of cheap beer. Thinking of Scott Brown’s fund raiser for college tuition, Perrin thought about posing in the nude to raise campaign funds. His family was dead set against it.

“If I could someone to pay me to take off my clothes,” the candidate insisted, “we could enough money to get the campaign in gear.

“You’re 80 years old,” his wife said. “Believe me, no one wants to see you naked.”

“I may be 80, but I’m in pretty good shape for a geezer,” he replied. “Besides, it would be good publicity.”

“That’s not the kind of publicity a presidential candidate needs.”

“It’s not just the publicity; it’s the money,” the former English professor maintained.”

“If you need money,” his great granddaughter offered, “I’ll let you have my lunch money.”

To give Perrin credit, at least he didn’t take the kid’s lunch money. And the public was spared the sight of a nude octogenarian.

14 PERCENT APPROVAL RATE FOR CONGRESS

2011-10-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll, only 14 percent of the American public approves the job that Congress is doing. What in the hell is wrong with these people? Where has this 14 percent been the last few years? Camping out on Mars? Hiding under a rock? Doing a Rip Van Winkle?

Just what accomplishment of Congress do these people approve of? The fact that they have done nothing? Their blockage of every attempt to solve problems? Their failure to come up with any solutions of their own? Their habit of saying “no” to everything? The fact that they almost succeeded in shutting down the government twice in the last six months? Have I left anything out?

Politics has always been a dirty word, but the current Congress has taken Congressional malfeasance to a new low level. What would our elected representatives have to do to win the disapproval of the 14 percent? How could they be any worse than they already are?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN NJ?

2011-10-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Presidential candidates in the Garden State are dropping like flies. First Independent candidate Dr. Carl Perrin declares that he will not be running in the 2012 election. Next Governor Chris Christie says, neither is he. Probably the governor figured that if Perrin didn’t have a chance of winning, he didn’t either.

A lot of people assumed that Perrin dropped out of the race because of lack of campaign funds. Since Perrin’s announcement, donations have been pouring in to campaign headquarters. As of yesterday, the treasury had almost $10.00. “Just a few more dollars,” the erstwhile candidate announced, "and we will have enough to buy a case of cheap beer."

Perrin supporters have been urging him to reconsider. “We really need someone who appreciates cheap beer,” one campaign donor said. “We need someone who can stand up to those wine snobs,” another contributor added.

“I’ll think about it,” Perrin said, “after we collect enough dough to buy a case of cheap beer.”

SHOCKING NEWS

2011-10-01T04:20:00.000-07:00

Political insiders were flabbergasted to learn that one-time presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin will not be running in the 2012 election. As the former English professor explained to all thirteen of his supporters, “Things are such a mess in Washington that it would take a miracle worker to get the government going again.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed a middle-aged woman wearing a Perrin for President sweatshirt, “That’s why we want you to run. We need a miracle worker like you to knock some heads together and kick some butt. We need someone who can make Congress listen to common sense.”

Perrin thanked the crowd for its confidence in him, but he said he would not be campaigning in the next election. “What about running in 2016?” someone asked. “That’s a definite possibility,” the octogenarian Perrin replied.

In one last question from the floor a Perrin backer asked, “What would you do if there was an overwhelming demand, a Draft Perrin for President movement?”

“In a case like that, we would just have to wait and see,” Perrin answered before going to join a couple of friends to drink cheap beer.

PAUL RYAN'S TOWN HALL MEETINGS

2011-08-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last spring Congressman Paul Ryan was booed when he met constituents at town hall meetings. Voters were unhappy with the Republican budget which Ryan engineered. The plan would extend tax breaks for the wealthy and phase out Medicare.

This summer the congressman is trying to avoid that kind of confrontation by charging admission to his town hall meetings. People who want to talk to him will have to shell out $15. That will keep out some of the riff raff and troublemakers. At the same time it will raise a little cash. How come the Republicans have all the good ideas?

Possible Democratic candidate Carl Perrin, while no admirer of Representative Ryan, likes his idea of charging for town meetings. Although Perrin has not yet committed himself to entering the presidential race, he did want to hear what the people were saying. He rented a hall and invited his supporters to come and ask softball questions. Instead of charging $15, he asked for only $5, assuming that most people were cheapskates, like him.

It didn’t work out. Only a handful of people arrived, some of them came because they thought he would be handing out cheap beer. Those people left when they learned it was going to cost $5. In all, the on-again, off-again candidate collected only $25, all of it from family members. He still has to pay for the hall he rented. If you would like to help, you can contribute to Perrin’s Paypal account.

FREEDOM OF CHOICE

2011-08-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

Now that Michelle Bachman has come out ahead in the Iowa straw vote, people are going to have to start taking her seriously. In the debate before the poll, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty suggested that Bachman’s accomplishments in congress have been pretty meager.

The charge is so unfair! Last spring Ms. Bachman introduced a freedom of choice act. Not freedom of choice for women, but freedom of choice for light bulb buyers. The intent of her bill was to halt the phase-out of incandescent light bulbs in favor of the compact fluorescent light bulb. Fluorescent bulbs use a lot less electricity than incandescent bulbs. The intent of the phase-out was to reduce emissions created by power plants. As for that, Bachman said, any connection between human beings and global warming was, “voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax." No doubt when the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, the room was illuminated by incandescent bulbs.

So let’s not hear any more about Michelle Bachman being an intellectual lightweight, a flake. She looks forward to a day when "Everyone will have a gun, nobody will have an abortion, no one will pay taxes, everyone will go to church, and there won't be any more pinko liberal teachers in school."

PAC PAYS FOR FAMILY VACATION

2011-07-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin’s political action committee spent tens of thousands of dollars paying for her “One Nation” East Coast bus tour. The former governor of Alaska repeatedly called the trip a family vacation. The question is, if it is just a “family vacation,” should it have been paid for by a PAC?

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, for one, sees nothing wrong with the committee paying for Palin’s family vacation. He admits, somewhat ruefully, that he wishes he had come up with the idea himself. The two former candidates have a lot in common. Like the former governor, the retired English professor has not yet formally announced his candidacy for the office of president. Nor has either one of them definitely declined to be considered in the race.

What is obviously behind Perrin’s sentiment on the issue is the thought that if a PAC can pay for Sarah’s vacation, why can’t a PAC for the little trip that Carl has in mind? At the end of this month Carl will be going to North Carolina. It is not strictly a political trip. The Perrin family will be holding a reunion at the time. As Palin did in her “family vacation,” Perrin will probably be saying some political things at the event, mostly grumbling about how the Republicans are ruining the country. So why can’t Perrin use PAC money to finance his “family vacation”?

The problem Perrin has is that he doesn’t have a political action committee. One of the many things that people love about the former professor is that he is not a professional politician. So he doesn’t think about little things like fund raising. However, he is going to start a PAC right now, and use some of its funds to pay for his trip. You can contribute. Just send some money to Perrin’s Pay Pal account. Right now the retiree is worried about what will happen if he doesn’t get his Social Security check on August 3. Your contribution to the Perrin PAC will bring him some peace of mind.

SANTORUM EXPLAINS IT ALL

2011-06-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

Speaking to a Republican group in Iowa, presidential wannabe Rick Santorum explained why American students had such low scores in American history. It was all part of a leftist plot to keep students in the dark about U.S. history so they don’t learn American values.

That explains why such prominent figures as Representative Michele Bachmann, an attorney, thought that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire rather than in Massachusetts and that the Founding Fathers had eliminated slavery in their lifetime, evidently not realizing that slavery had something to do with the Civil War. It also explains why former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin thought that Paul Revere rode through Massachusetts to warn the British about something.

Clearly the teachers these women had in school were secular humanists or something who went out of their way to keep information about the country’s history from their students. No doubt they belonged to teachers’ union and were more interested in getting big salaries than they were in educating students.

PERRIN MAKES ANNOUNCEMENT

2011-06-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday former presidential candidate Dr Carl Perrin called a press conference. Everyone assumed that he was going to announce his candidacy for the upcoming election. Alas, media representatives were disappointed. Perrin was not ready to declare whether or not he would be running again.

Instead he served up a policy statement. It all boiled down to his opinion that cheap beer is good for the country. According to him cheap beer will solve all the country’s problems.

Unemployment and business problems would all be solved if more people drank cheap beer. Rather than drinking that expensive imported beer, if Americans spent more money on cheap domestic beer, more people would be put to work brewing, distributing, and selling beer. Obviously that would be good for working people and for businesses. As more people were put to work getting beer out to the public, the overcall business climate would improve. That would be good for the federal deficit because as more people entered the work force, income tax collection would improve. Improvement in business would further contribute to revenue for the federal government. Finally, Perrin said, if more people drank cheap beer, everyone would be happier. The happy feeling would help lift the nation out of the doldrums and bring back that good old American can-do spirit.

Reporters naturally wanted to know whether Perrin had decided whether to run for election again. Refusing to respond to the question, he ended the press conference.

PERRIN SENDS PICTURE TO COLLEGE STUDENT

2011-06-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

Shocking news hit media today as journalists learned that Dr. Carl Perrin had sent a picture of himself to college student. In the picture on-again/off-again presidential candidate Carl Perrin is munching on a chocolate bar.

Just because he is shown eating a piece of chocolate doesn’t mean that he is a chocoholic, Perrin insisted to reporters. “Lots of people eat chocolate every day, and no one makes anything of it,” the retired college professor added.

“Isn’t a college student a little young for you?” one of the reporters asked.

“She may be a college student,” Perrin replied, “but she is over 21. We both enjoy chocolate, so whatever we do is between consenting adults, and it’s nobody else’s beeswax.”

“Is this going to end your candidacy for the presidency?” a reporter for Leisure Times asked.

“I have not yet decided whether to run, but if I do, I will not let this stand in my way. I went through a tough campaign in 2008. I didn’t let anything stop me then, and I won’t let anything stop me now.”

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

2011-05-28T10:07:00.001-07:00

At last count there were 37 Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential election. That doesn’t include people no one ever heard of or who have no chance in hell of even being nominated.

Former Speaker New Gingrich has too many negatives. A born-again Catholic, he cheated on his second wife and tried to say he did it for his country. He also keeps shooting himself in the foot. Not a chance.

Ron Paul creates a lot of excitement among a small of group of people, not enough to get him the nomination.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has good conservative credentials. Compared to some of the Republican firebrands, T-Paw seems fairly sane. The problem is, compared to them, many people find him boring.

Mitt Romney has been the front runner since the last election. His problem is that he wobbles back and forth on every issue. To his credit he was governor of Massachusetts when that state enacted medical insurance program much like the new federal program. Unfortunately he keeps trying to deny it. After all these years on the campaign trail no one knows where he stands. On anything.

One-term senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum lost his reelection bid by 18 points. A loser.

Congresswoman Michele Bachman is a lawyer but she doesn’t seem to know details of American history that we would expect any seventh grader to know. It’s hard to take her presidential campaign seriously.

Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman served as U S Ambassador to China until this January. A conservative who is respected by liberals, he seems too sane to win the Republican nomination.

Is Sarah Palin running or not? She won’t speak to the “lamestream media” because they twist everything she says. Although she still excites a lot of conservatives, she is losing support among mainstream Republicans. Democrats hope she will run because she seems so shallow that it will be easy to defeat her.

Haley Barbour is a good ole boy and former governor of Mississippi. He wisely decided that he had no chance of winning and withdrew his candidacy.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said not just “no” but “hell no.” Politicians do change their mind, but we don’t expect him to run in this election.

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels thought about it and said “no.” It seems pretty clear that he means it.

Mike Huckabee, who thought that Barack Obama grew up in Kenya, gave some thought to running for the presidency again. When he realized how much money he would have to give up from his books, speeches, etc, he said “no.” Wise move, Mike.

It’s hard to believe any sane person would believe Donald Trump’s candidacy. Oh, yes, that’s right; we’re not talking about sane people; we talking about politics. Even his hair should disqualify Trump. How much time does he spend every day making sure his hair is just right? He would never have time to preside even if he were elected.

Where does all this leave retired English professor and former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? He is not saying. If he runs at all, will it be as a Democrat, a Republican, or an Independent? No one knows. The only thing anyone knows is that knows for sure is that the basis for Perrin’s campaign is that he will be in favor of cheap beer.

LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE

2011-05-25T03:21:00.000-07:00

I know I told everyone, at least everyone who would listen, that the world would end on May 22. I know a lot of people are pissed off at me. Well, what can I say? I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t tell anyone what to do with their worldly goods in order to get ready for the rapture. I just said that 200,000 Christians would be taken to heaven on that date. And all the heathens would be left behind.

A lot of people gave everything away, told their bosses to take their job and shove it, and stuff like that. They really burned their bridges behind them. All is not lost, brothers and sisters. I was off on the date when everything is going to happen. No, really. My math was a little off. It’s really going to happen on October 21. I’m sure of it this time.

Maybe you don’t have any money because you gave it all away. You don’t have a place to live since you gave that up too. You don’t have a job because you told your boss to shove it. Just look at the good side. At least you won’t be out in the cold. You’ll be waiting through the summer months. You can probably get food stamps or something, so you’ll be okay until October.

Harold Camping

PERRIN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

2011-05-20T08:15:00.001-07:00

Of the Computer Club, that is. In June the Leisure Village Computer Club will elect officers for the next year. At this month’s meeting, club president Dr. Carl Perrin announced that he and the other officers are running for reelection.

After the announcement he cleared up a question that must have been in the minds of many club members: What if he runs for the presidency of the United States and is elected to both offices? Will he just forget about the Computer Club and take care of all that Washington political stuff?

Perrin assured members that it would be no problem. Though he has not yet committed to running for the White House again, it is still an option. Although his is not the first name that comes to mind for most people when they consider presidential candidates, he surely has as much chance as some of the bozos who are throwing their hats into the ring.

If by chance, Perrin is elected president of the Computer Club and the United States, he assured club members that he would be able to handle both jobs. “After all,” he asked, “How many days did George Bush spend at his Texas ranch while he was president?” The president has to get some time off just like anyone else. Perrin figured he could come to New Jersey over the weekend and fly back after the club meeting on Monday. If something came up in Washington over the weekend, he would have no problem taking care of it from the Garden State. After all, that’s what the Internet is for.

OBAMA IS BEHIND THE BIRTHER CONSPIRACY

2011-04-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Side show performer Donald Trump declared himself proud to have brought the birther conspiracy to a head which resulted in President Obama’s displaying his birth certificate on live television. Sarah Palin had called questions about the president’s birthplace “fair game.” After the president showed the birth certificate, Palin said that Trump had forced the issue. She warned her followers not to be distracted by that but to concentrate on the real issues.

In reference to Obama’s long-form birth certificate, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said, “It’s maddening and I just wish the president would engage in the real issues that are affecting America.” Former Senator Rick Santorum, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor were among those joining the chorus of insisting that the president should focus on the real issues. It’s difficult to understand how these men can say such things with a straight face after all the clowns who have been braying birther bullshit. The legislature of Arizona sent a bill to the governor which called for all presidential candidates in the state prove their citizenship.

On Alan Colmes' radio show former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo suggested that the president and Democrats had withheld the birth certificate for so long for their own nefarious reasons: “Now they very well may not want to show it because they want to propagate this whole thing that's going on about birthers. ... They may be doing it for that reason; I don't know why they don't want anyone to see it. ... They want it propagated because you know – “

Colmes responded, “It makes your party look nuts!”

The idea, according to Tancredo, is that Obama withheld his birth certificate until now simply for the purpose of making Republicans look foolish. That is not true. Republicans can look foolish without any help from Barack Obama.

REPUBLICANS ARE DESPERATE

2011-04-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump is number one in the polls of potential Republican candidates for the presidency. Twenty-six percent of the people polled support him. A prominent South Carolina Republican says, "I hear more and more people talking about Donald Trump. He's got people fired up." Only 17 percent favor Mike Huckabee and 15 percent want Mitt Romney to run. Sarah Palin is losing ground . A Wall Street Journal poll shows only ten percent in her favor. Michele Bachmann is gaining, but she suffers from Palin’s foot-in-the-mouth problem.

Trump leads in the polls despite the fact that his major issue seems to be the ridiculous questions of where Barach Obama was born. A Republican chairman in New Hampshire said that Trump “is on TV making a fool of himself.” Karl Rove called Trump a joke candidate. Charles Krauthammer called him a clown.

If the Republicans are so desperate for a candidate that a plurality of them favors a joke candidate, perhaps there is a chance for Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin campaigned in the last election on a real issue, cheap beer. Though he has not yet decided whether to enter the fray, the more he sees of candidates like Donald Trump and Michele Bachmann, the more likely he is to form an exploratory committee.

TEN CENTS FOR DONALD TRUMP

2011-04-15T04:59:00.000-07:00

Despite What Ann Coulter says, the liberal media tried to bury the issue of Barack Obama’s African birthplace. Donald Trump has pulled it to the surface again by stating, “I just say very simply, why doesn’t he show his birth certificate? Why has he spent over $2 million in legal fees to keep this quiet and to keep this silent?” Sarah Palin seconded Trump: “More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones from the sidelines, he’s digging in, he’s paying for researchers to find out why President Obama would have spent $2 million to not show his birth certificate.”

Now the Arizona legislature has passed a bill law requiring presidential candidates to prove that they are citizens before their name can be put on the ballot. Once Governor Jan Brewer signs the bill, it will become law.

While Trump seems like an ideal candidate for the presidency, we have to mention his hair. Unlike Mitt Romney, Donald Trump does not have presidential hair, especially when it gets all windblown as in the picture above. The real estate tycoon is a billionaire, so he obviously can afford hairspray. The problem is, he is so focused on crucial issues like Obama’s place of birth that he sometimes forgets to bring his hairspray with him. What he needs is a hairspray guy, someone whose sole responsibility would be to make sure that the Donald always has hairspray handy.

You can make a difference. If every Trump supporter would send just 10 cents to the candidate, he could hire an apprentice hairspray guy. Just put the dime in an envelope and send it to Donald Trump, Atlantic City, NJ.

Not Factual

2011-04-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

During the debate over shutting down the government, a major sticking point was money for Planned Parenthood. Republican Senator Jon Kyl thought it was worth closing the government over the issue because abortion is, “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” Judy Tabar of Planned Parenthood responded that Kyl’s figures were a little off. Abortion is more like three percent of the organization’s activities.

CNN contacted the senator’s office, which responded that his statement was not meant to be factual. “After all,” Kyl stated, “I’m a politician. People know that 90 percent of what I say is bullshit.” Now that’s a statement that we can believe in.

FUND RAISING

2011-04-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Michele Bachmann thought that the founding fathers ended slavery in America in their lifetime, thus eliminating the need for the Civil War and the Emancipation Proclamation. Despite such gaps in her knowledge of American history, the congresswoman is a formidable fund raiser. In the first 90 days of this year she raised over $2 million for her campaign for the oval office. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney raised $1.8 million in the same period. Bachmann raised $13.5 million for her 2010 campaign for her seat in Congress. This is the most money ever raised for a campaign for election to the House of Representatives.

Barack Obama has done pretty well in fund raising also. He collected $750 million in his campaign for the White House. He is expected to raise well over $100 million in the first six months of this year. One fund raiser includes a $35,800-a-plate dinner in San Francisco.

Where does that leave former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? While Perrin has not yet committed to another run for office, he knows that to keep his options open, he must give some thought to campaign funds. Although Perrin was an outstanding candidate, he was not very good in raising money in his run for office. During his 2008 campaign he raised a couple of hundred dollars. Most of that came from supporters in Maine who cashed in returnable cans and bottles to help pay for his campaign.

Although a couple of hundred bucks doesn’t sound like much compared with politicians who raised hundreds of millions, Perrin insists he doesn’t need a lot of money for his campaign. Some say he is too cheap to pay for advertising, but the candidate relies on his blog to get his message out to the real people, the beer drinkers who appreciate his effort keep down the price of beer. Most of Perrin’s campaign funds were spent in fact on cheap beer for the candidate himself. He wanted the public to know that he really believed in the issue that formed the basis of his campaign.

Perrin is asking his supporters in Maine to start taking those cans and bottles to the redemption centers and send any contribution to "Perrin for President" headquarters in Auburn, Maine. He likes the idea of using a meal for a fund raiser. He is thinking about a luncheon of a peanut butter sandwich and a can of cheap beer for $4.90.

TRUMP TRUMPS OBAMA

2011-03-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

In a stunning move Donald Trump questioned whether Barack Obama had been born in the United States. He asked why the president could not produce his birth certificate. In this move he showed that if he is elected president, we can depend on him to address the really serious issue confronting the nation.

Then, to rub it in, The Donald produced a birth certificate showing he had been born in Jamaica Hospital in New York. Unfortunately, the document he had was issued by the hospital itself. The only official certificate of birth must come from the New York Department of Health.

As of now, we have no proof that reality show star Donald Trump was born in the country. For all we know, he could have been born on another planet.

IS PERRIN REALLY SERIOUS?

2011-03-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

We hear that former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is considering another run for the Oval Office. All we can say is, Is the man really serious? Come on, he’s 80 years old. He never makes appointments for anything in the afternoon because it might interfere with his nap. He’s so hard of hearing that he misses half of what people say to him, even when he is wearing his hearing aids! Finally, let’s face it: He’s boring! He wrote several textbooks about business writing and resume writing. How boring is that? He has a web site called “The Grammar Doctor. The Grammar Doctor! Can you imagine how dull that is? He didn’t get a single electoral vote in the 2008 election. Why is he wasting everyone’s time?

Consider some of the other candidates for office:

Mike Huckabee thought that Obama had grown up in Kenya. When someone called him on that misinformation, he tried to pretend it was a slip of the tongue. He really meant to say “Indonesia.”

Michele Bachmann thinks the American Revolution started in Concord, NH, and that the Founding Fathers ended slavery.

Newt Gingrich managed to shut down the government when he was Speaker of the House. He was one of the hypocritical leaders in the fight to impeach President Clinton for his misdeeds with Lewinski, while the speaker himself was cheating on his wife. However, Gingrich’s infidelity was motivated, he said, by patriotism.

Sharon Angle, running for Congress, believes that unemployment is high because people would rather sit on their asses and collect unemployment than go out and get a job. She also is against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest, because everything is “part of God’s plan.”

Sarah Palin’s incoherent prose is matched only by her ignorance of current events.

In comparison Carl Perrin looks pretty good. Despite his age, he has plenty of energy until it is time for his nap. Although a lot of people don’t know him, he did build some name recognition in his first campaign for the presidency. Finally he ran on an issue that is dear to the hearts of American men and women: cheap beer.

SHARON ANGLE FOR CONGRESS?

2011-03-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

In 2008 Sharon Angle lost her fight against Democrat Harry Reid for the U S Senate. Before Angle’s missteps, the seat seemed sure to go to the Republicans. In her campaign, she charged that unemployed Americans were living on the dole. If their unemployment benefits were ended, they would be motivated to get a job. That was not the only position that failed to endear her to the electorate.

She was not in favor of Medicare, and she wanted Social Security to be “transitioned out.” She said that Americans were arming because they didn’t trust the government. She believed, “They're afraid they'll have to fight for their liberty in more Second Amendment kinds of ways." She told a bunch of Latino students that they looked Oriental to her. Perhaps her most astounding position was the reason she was against abortion, even in cases of rape and incest, saying it was against God’s plan.

During her campaign for the Senate, she started to avoid the press. It seems that the media were undermining her by reporting on the things she said. Now she is opening herself to the press again. She is running for Congress in Nevada. She believes she can win the primary and the general election in 2012.

We need more Tea Party candidates like Angle and Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann. In them you can see the intellectual depth of the Tea Party.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?

2011-03-22T04:30:00.000-07:00

When former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin flew to St. Louis in February, political insiders naturally wondered if he was taking a swing through the Midwest in preparation for a new campaign.

In answer to reporters’ questions about his intentions, Perrin smiled and said, “I used to live in St. Louis. I’m here just to visit family.”

A reporter from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch asked right out, “Are you going to run for office in 2012?”

“I’m not ruling anything out,” the former candidate replied.

Although this was supposedly a family visit, Perrin did go on a tour of one of St Louis’ better-known businesses, the Anheuser-Busch brewery. The candidate can be seen above holding one of the free beers he got at the end of the tour. In 2008 he campaigned on the issue of cheap beer for American men and women. “The only thing better than cheap beer,” he said, “is free beer.”

MICHELLE BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT?

2011-03-17T03:21:00.001-07:00

Michelle Bachmann went to New Hampshire to honor the state’s citizens because it was in Concord, New Hampshire, where the “shot heard round the world” was fired. Okay, so it was another Concord, the one in Massachusetts where that happened. The media jumped right on it. That should be no surprise because, as Bachmann said, "...as we know all 3,400 members of the mainstream media are part of the Obama press contingent." Whenever a Republican politician says something stupid, it must be blamed on what Sarah Palin calls the “lame stream media.”

The Congresswoman from Minnesota has also informed us that the founders of this country, "worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States." Evidently that doesn’t include men like Washington and Jefferson, who were slave owners. It also misses that fact that it was about four score and seven years later before slavery actually ended.

And what was Ms Bachmann doing in New Hampshire? What does any politician do in the Granite State the year before a presidential election? Yes, she is considering a run for the presidency. Perhaps Michelle and Sarah could run together. They would be a great pair, both darlings of the Tea Party. At least Michelle doesn’t claim she can see Russia from her front porch in Minnesota. Maybe she even knows the difference between North and South Korea, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

HE DID IT FOR HIS COUNTRY

2011-03-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

Our hats are off to Newt Gingrich. While he was attacking Bill Clinton for his little fling with the Lewinsky Bimbo, Newt was having a little fling of his own. Yes, the Speaker of the House was having his own affair with Callista, a former congressional aide, while he was still married to the second Mrs. Newt Gingrich.
However, Newt had a good reason to fall from grace. It was caused by his passion for his country. "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," he said. Unlike Clinton, who was evidently just randy, Gingrich did it for his country. You have to admire that kind of reasoning.

And everything turned out just fine. Callista became the third Mrs. Newt Gingrich. They now have a great marriage. Newt has asked for God’s forgiveness for mistakes in his past.

While he was Speaker, Gingrich managed to shut down the government and attack Clinton for doing the same thing he was doing. He told his second wife that he wanted a divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. But what the hell—no one is perfect. At least he’s smarter than Sarah Palin or Mike Huckabee.

A SLIP OF THE TONGUE

2011-03-04T04:15:00.000-08:00

Mike Huckabee criticized President Obama, stating that experiences in his youth led him to resent the West. "One thing that I do know is his having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, (is) very different than the average American," Huckabee said. Huckabee’s geography was a little off, since Indonesia, where Obama did spent part of his boyhood, is halfway around the globe from Kenya.

When news media pointed out this little gaff, Huckabee became indignant, saying that he was “not surprised the NY Times chose to sensationalize this story. In fact, the New York Times, the AP, and other news organizations ran with the "sensationalized story." It was a “simple slip of the tongue,” he added.

That is understandable. People are always saying “Kenya” when they mean to say “Indonesia.” And the Brits in Indonesia? Maybe he was thinking of something else. The Brits have been in so many places, it is hard to keep track of them.

Perhaps we should be grateful that this man, this presidential candidate, did not claim that he could see Russia from his front porch in Arkansas.

SARAH'S SOLUTION

2011-02-06T08:27:00.001-08:00

When a journalist asked Sarah Palin how she believed the president has handled the situation in Egypt, she replied, “And nobody yet has, nobody yet has explained to the American public what they know, and surely they know more than the rest of us know who it is who will be taking the place of Mubarak and no, not, not real enthused about what it is that that’s being done on a national level and from D.C. in regards to understanding all the situation there in Egypt.”

You have to admire her ability to put so many words in a single sentence that defies interpretation. It seems to suggest that some unnamed person or persons in Washington through some feat of black magic know who will be taking Mubarak’s place, and these fortune tellers are not going to share their information with anyone. So naturally, some unnamed person (Sarah?) is not real enthused (You ought to check your grammar on those two words, Sarah) about what’s being done on a national level and from D.C. (Where is Wikileaks when we need them?)

Her solution seems to be that the administration just needs to let everyone know what is going to happen in the future. Why didn’t we think of that?

A HEX ON TAXES

2011-01-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

Like other Western governments, the government of Romania is feeling the pinch financially. They tried to increase revenue by putting an income tax on self-employed people—like astrologers, fortune tellers, and witches. Big Mistake. The witches in particular are incensed. They are casting spells on the government that initiated the tax on their businesses.

An especially powerful group, the Violet Flame, practices on Thursday. To protect themselves, members of the government wear mauve every Thursday because that protects them against the evil attacks.

Meanwhile, back in the U S, former Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell still insists she is not a witch. Nevertheless, she is unhappy about the IRS because it is investigating what has been called a misuse of campaign funds for her personal use.

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin takes Ms. O’Donnell at her word when she says she is not a witch. However, Perrin has questioned O’Donnell’s qualification for the Senate. He has taken to wearing mauve every Thursday. He doesn’t believe in any of that witchcraft stuff, but why take a chance. You never can tell.

LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK

2010-12-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

Some people laughed at Christine O’Donnell’s when she ran for the U. S. Senate from Delaware. She surprised everyone when she won the Republican primary in that state after getting an endorsement from right wing sweetheart Sarah Palin, but in the general election the public laughed at her statements about witchcraft and masturbation. The election wasn’t even close.

Now we learn that she has inked a book deal with St. Martin’s Press. She announced, "The 2010 midterm elections were just the beginning -- the first rumblings of a revolution that has not fully erupted. I plan on making my book one of the revolution's catalysts." The publication is planned for August.

People also laughed when former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin ran for the presidency. They didn’t take it seriously when he came out in favor of cheap beer. Perhaps they won’t consider him so ridiculous if he too gets a book deal. He recognizes that in order to get a publisher to consider him, he needs more name recognition. Perhaps if he not only runs, but gets nominated for something in the next election, he will have a chance.

O’Donnell became a challenger after Sarah Palin endorsed her. Maybe Perrin could get the former governor of Alaska to put in a good word for him. It doesn’t seem likely that Sarah would endorse a liberal like Perrin, but stranger things have happened.

GLAD HE'S NOT RUNNING

2010-10-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is glad he is not running for office in this election. Politicians are pulling out all stops in their effort to dredge up any dirt about their opponents.

Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle of Nevada criticized mainstream Republicans in these words. “"The Republicans have lost their standards, they've lost their principles ... really that's why the machine in the Republican Party is fighting against me.” Her opponent, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is using her words against her.

In Connecticut Democratic candidate for the Senate Richard Blumenthal seems to have been mixed up about whether or not he served in Vietnam. (He didn’t.) His opponent Linda McMahon questions his veracity. “If he lied about Vietnam,” she asks, “what else is he lying about?”

It turns out that Republican candidate for governor of California, Meg Whitman, for nine years had a maid who was an illegal alien. This despite her strong stand about illegal aliens.

And then there is Christine O’Donnell, Republican candidate for Joe Biden’s old seat in the Senate. Every day new dirt about her appears. She used campaign money for personal expenses, she dabbled in witchcraft, she lied about having a college degree, etc., etc.

Carl Perrin’s heart goes out to these candidates. He knows what it is like to have mud flung at him from all directions. When he was running for the presidency, someone dug up the story about his failure to pay the fine on an overdue library book at the Portland Public Library back in the eighties. Even worse, some mud slinger dredged up the story about his having had contacts with “Natashia,” who may or may not have been a Russian agent.

If he were running in this election, Perrin knows, someone would be digging up a story about his addiction to chocolate or something. He has not decided whether to run for office in 2012, but all the digging and mud slinging gives him pause.

2010-09-19T05:49:00.001-07:00

CHRISTINE O'DONNELL FOR THE SENATE?

Christine O’Donnell is running for the Delaware senate seat once held by Joe Biden. She has reported earnings of only $5800 in the last year. She has no steady income. She even defaulted on her mortgage. A former aide charged that O’Donnell used campaign funds for rent and living expenses. For years she has been telling people that she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University, but in fact she earned her degree only in the last month.

She founded an organization called the Savior’s Alliance for Lifting the Truth. The organization focused on sexual purity and claimed scientific evidence that God created the earth in six 24-hour periods. On the other hand, she once told Bill Maher that she had “dabbled in witchcraft” and once went on a date with a witch. The date ended with a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.

Clearly, Ms. O’Donnell is just the kind of person we need in the United States Senate—even though some prominent Republicans have doubts about her. Karl Rove said, “There’s just a lot of nutty things she’s been saying that just simply don’t add up. I’m for the Republican, but I’ve got to tell you, we were looking at eight to nine seats in the Senate. We’re now looking at seven to eight. In my opinion, this is not a race we’re going to be able to win.”

This woman won the primary with the help of the Tea Party. What we need is a coffee party to help us wake up. At the very least we need to go to Washington on October 30 for Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity.

CONNECTICUT SENATE RACE

2010-07-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

Linda McMahon has the Republican nomination for senator just about sewed up in Connecticut. She has the ideal background for politics. For the past quarter century Ms McMahon along with her husband Vince has headed the World Wrestling Entertainment. The skills she picked up in this role will come in handy as she wrestles Democrats to the mat.

You have to admire her honesty. Back in the eighties, when some wrestling organizations were trying to pretend that the matches were athletic contests, Ms. McMahon said, no, they were scripted shows. They were entertainment. Because of that it was not necessary to have the kind of oversight required by boxing, which was a real sport. They did not need to have ringside doctors or pay licensing fees.

Wrestlers who wanted to be in the game had to sign exclusive contracts with the W.W.E. They were classified as independent contractors rather than employees. Therefore the McMahons did not have to pay Social Security, Medicare, or Unemployment insurance. Tactics like these allowed the couple to build the W.W.E. into a $1.2 billion empire.

Wrestlers who wanted to form a union found themselves unable to participate in professional wrestling. When investigators found widespread use of steroids among the wrestlers, Linda McMahon and her husband were able to squelch it.

Like many Republican candidates in the coming election, Linda McMahon is using some of the fortune she amassed to finance her campaign. The Democratic candidate is sure to be better than McMahon. But wait! He has some problems of his own.

The Democratic candidate is Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal has said things like, "We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam." There’s nothing wrong with referring to one’s military service. The problem in Blumenthal’s case is that HE NEVER SERVED IN VIETNAM. Au contraire, he got several deferments to avoid military service. Then when his number seemed to be up, he joined the Marine Reserve and stayed in that during the war. He later said he “misspoke” about his military service.

What the hell is wrong with the guy? Is he lying (misspeaking)? Did he just forget that he didn’t actually serve in Vietnam? Is he too goddamn dumb to realize people will find out whether he was in the war?

So, people of Connecticut, I feel really sorry for you. The only worthwhile candidate in the senate race is None of the Above.

MODEL FOR AMERICAN TEENAGERS

2010-07-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

Bristol Palin is a model for American teenagers. Two years ago the unmarried teen gave birth to a child. Now she is the teen ambassador for a foundation to prevent teen pregnancy. She is willing to speak to groups about her experiences, for a fee of $15,000. She even acted in a series “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” Her role was an unmarried teen mother named Bristol—talk about type casting! Now we understand that she and Levi Johnston are hooking up again.

Like her mother Ms Palin has been an inspiration to retired English professor Carl Perrin. He too would like to talk to people to give them the benefit of his experiences. Unfortunately, he was such a goody two-shoes as a teenager that he rarely got into trouble. However, he did go to the park beside his high school and smoked cigarettes during lunch break. He would be glad to talk to teenagers about the evils of tobacco. After 40 years he gave up the filthy weed. Now he is tobacco free. He isn’t even asking $15,000 to give his anti-tobacco talk. He’ll do it for $1,000.

Perrin also brings a lot of stage experience if someone wants to cast him in a play. He realizes that he can’t do a convincing performance as a teenager, but he could play someone who used to be a teen.

BE THANKFUL

2010-07-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

Just be thankful that Carl Perrin was not elected president in 2008. The FBI recently arrested a coup of alleged Russian agents in New York. These spies had been in this country for many years. They were in deep cover, living lives of normal American suburbanites. Among those arrested was 28-year-old Anna Chapman, whom the press is calling a femme fatale.

What has this to do with presidential candidate Carl Perrin? In the late seventies and early eighties Perrin was involved with a person known only as “Natashia.” There was some speculation back then that Natashia was a Russian spy. This was never proven, but it was never disproved either. As you can see by the photograph above, of Natashia and Perrin in his reserve officer's uniform, she was something of a femme fatale also.

Perrin claims he hasn’t seen Natashia for decades, but you can bet if he had been elected president, Natashia would have climbed out of wherever she is hiding. Just think, a spy with a link to the White House! The Russians would have known about Perrin’s plan to keep cheap beer at an affordable price for American men and woman. What a mess that would have been!

RAPE IS PART OF GOD'S PLAN

2010-06-30T04:26:00.000-07:00

Sharron Angle is the Tea Party/Republican candidate for the Senate, running against Senate Majority Leader Harry H Reid. She has learned from the mistakes of other extreme candidates that the best publicity comes from avoiding the press, except of course right wing media like Fox News.

Sarah Palin revealed her insights into world events when she confused the state of Georgia with the Georgia, the former member of the USSR, when she couldn’t think of a single Supreme Court decision that she favored, when she referred to Africa as a country rather than a continent. John McCain’s staff soon kept the press away from her, hoping to teach her in a few weeks what she had failed to learn in the previous 40 years. Rand Paul, another Tea Party favorite, revealed that he wanted to go back to the good old days of segregated lunch counters. While there are probably some benighted people would like to do that, most voters find the thought repulsive.

Angle would like to eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency and “transition out” Social Security, whatever that means. She is against abortions, even in cases of rape or incest. Right wingnuts might eat up that kind of talk, but a lot of voters find it pretty scary. So instead of seeking the media to report her views, she has started to avoid them, answering “no comment” to their questions, and steering clear of interviews. The Tea Party tactic evidently is to keep their ideas secret. Rational citizens will not vote for these people if they know what they really think.

MORE POLITICS

2010-06-11T04:15:00.001-07:00

Nikki Haley came out ahead in the Republican primary for governor of South Carolina. It will be hard for her to live up to the newsworthiness of Mark Sanford, current Republican governor of the state. You will recall that a year ago Sanford told everyone that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in fact he slipped off to rendezvous with his “soul mate” in South America. Nevertheless, two men have claimed that they had “inappropriate relationships” with the married Haley.

Perennial candidate Dr. Carl Perrin insists that he has not had any relationship, inappropriate or not, with Ms. Haley. He has never even seen her. He did spend a year and half in South Carolina, but that was during the Korean War, before Nikki Haley was born.

Meanwhile on the West Coast Carly Fiorina has maligned the hair of Barbara Boxer, who will be her opponent for the California senate seat in November. Criticizing another politician’s hair is considered a low blow, but characteristic of Ms. Fiorina, who was considered an “unpleasant person” before she was pushed out of her job at HP with a multimillion dollar golden parachute.

Carl Perrin is sensitive to jabs about hair since he has so little of it. If politicians are going to stoop to making fun of other’s physical attributes, we are worse off than anyone thought.

CAMPAIGN FINANCING

2010-06-10T04:56:00.001-07:00

Although it has been over a year and a half since the presidential election, Family Values candidate Carl Perrin is still smarting over his bitter loss at the polls. He considered himself so perfect for the job that he wonders why any rational person would vote for anyone else. He has always found some comfort in the thought that many of the voters were obviously irrational.

The recent primary elections have shown another reason why less qualified people were voted into office while Perrin was left out in the cold. Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman spent $71 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination for governor of California. Another former CEO, Carly Fiorina, spent $25 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination to run against California Democrat Barbara Boxer. Billionaire Democrat-Republican-Independent Michael Bloomberg spent mega-millions to secure the job of New York City mayor three times. Jon Corzine spent a fortune to win a senate seat and then the governorship of New Jersey.

It’s no wonder that Perrin never won an election. How could he compete against that kind of money? For his entire year-and-a-half campaign Perrin spent just a few hundred dollars. Most of that was for coffee and jelly doughnuts to get himself going in the morning and cheap beer to relax after a day of campaigning.

Perrin is not actively seeking public office at this moment, but he is always looking for opportunities to get a soft job at taxpayers’ expense. You can help Dr. Carl Perrin win the next election—whatever it may be. Send your contribution to Elect Carl Perrin to Office now. You’ll be glad you did it.

DEBAHLEE AND CARL: TOO GOOD LOOKING?

2010-06-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Debrahlee Lorenzana claims she was fired from her job at Citibank because she was too good looking, too sexy. Because of the way she looked, male colleagues were paying attention to her appearance rather than concentrating on their job.

Perennial political candidate Dr. Carl Perrin says, “I feel her pain.” Although, as far as he knows, Perrin was never fired from any position because he was too sexy, but he is sure that his good looks have kept him back from promotions. If you’re good looking, he says, people wonder if you were hired for your looks rather than for your ability in the first place.

People who know Perrin argue about whether he is a real cool dude or just hot. When asked about the debate, Perrin responded, “Can you be both?”

SHOULD PERRIN RUN FOR CONGRESS?

2010-05-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ever since his disastrous defeat in the 2008 presidential campaign, retired English professor Dr. Carl Perrin has shied away from politics. Now recent political developments make him wonder if it isn’t time to give the electorate another chance to vote him into office. He reasons that if he can get elected to Congress, he will add another qualification to his already impressive resume.

This seems to be the year for outsiders to get elected. Primary voters said no to Republican-turned-Democrat Arlen Specter’s bid for reelection. Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Christ dropped out of the primary race for the U. S. Senate because he had a strong challenge from the right. Christ is running for the seat as an Independent. Trey Grayson, protégé of Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, lost the primary race for Senate seat from Kentucky to political upstart Rand Paul.

Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal was (is?) running for the Democratic nomination for the Senate seat being vacated by Chris Dodd. It turns out, however, that he has been claiming service in Vietnam when in fact he was able to get five military deferments during the war and then went on to join the Marine reserve. He never went to Vietnam.

On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder is resigning from office after knowledge of his fling was a staffer became public. Souder was big on preaching abstinence, but only for other people, it seems. He stated, "I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff." If people like Blumenthal and Souder aren’t careful, they’re going to give politicians a bad name.

Carl Perrin is grateful to people like Blumenthal and Souder because compared to them, he seems like a saint.

SARAH’S NEW BOOK

2010-05-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin has become a multimillionaire just from the sales of her first book, “Going Rogue.” She makes up to $100,000 a pop for making a speech. She quit her dead-end day job as Governor of Alaska just in time to bring the big bucks rolling in.

Not satisfied with that (and why should she be?) Sarah is bringing out another book in the fall. “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag” is scheduled to be released in November, just in time to buy it for Christmas. No doubt Harper Collins is giving her a seven-figure advance for her effort. The new book is going to include “selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her.” In other words, a lot of the book is just going to be copied from other sources. Furthermore, someone is going to help her put the thing together. She is really getting a sweet deal: Millions of bucks with minimal effort.

In the meantime, Dr. Carl Perrin, who was a little-known candidate in the 2008 presidential race, wrote a book about his own unsuccessful campaign. “My Run for the White House” is taken from entries in this blog. It follows the struggle from the beginning to the bitter end. Photos of Perrin with various women kept popping up, causing people to wonder if he was too much of a good-time guy to be president. One picture shows him with “Natasha,” a woman smoking a cigar and wearing a mustache. Questions arose: Was Natasha a man or a woman? And more serious: Was he/she a Russian spy? Perrin insisted that he never noticed the mustache. Anyway, he claimed that “Natasha” was only a friend. There seemed to be a lot of women who were “only friends.”

Perrin also had problems with haircuts. When John Edwards was paying $400 for a haircut, Perrin was paying only $8. When he posted this on his along with an appeal for funds for a more expensive haircut, people responded by asking where he got his hair cut for only $8.

Fund raising was always a problem for former English professor. His biggest source of funds was from returnable cans and bottles in Maine. Other candidates took money from wherever they could get it, but Dr. Perrin noted that if he were elected, he would owe loyalty only to the people of the United States and not to any special interests. When Hillary Clinton had to return over $800,000 to dubious donors, Perrin announced that he hadn’t had to return any campaign funds.

Various candidates promised everything on a silver platter. Perrin promised only one thing: that he would keep the price of beer affordable. A vote for Perrin, he would say, is a vote for cheap beer.

If the book ever gets published, it is sure to become an instant classic. Publishers to whom Perrin sent queries evidently just laughed and threw the query in the trash. Now that Sarah Palin is bringing in even more money for the books that other people are writing for her, Perrin is beginning to feel desperate. He is going to self published the book and sell it for $10. As soon as he gets 100 orders, he will send the manuscript to the press. If you don’t want to wait that long for your copy of “My Run for the White House,” just send $5 to Perrin’s Paypal account, and he will send you an electronic copy.

SMUT IN PUBLIC PLACES

2010-05-04T07:18:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Do not let children look at this page.

The state seal of Virginia depicts the Roman goddess Virtus standing over the fallen body of Tyranny. The problem is the seal shows the goddess wearing a toga over her shoulder, and her left boob is exposed.

The state’s attorney general Ken Ciccinelli decided to do something about the flagrant pornography of the seal. He presented his staff with lapel pins that changed the picture of the breast-exposing Virtus to a more modest image with the goddess wearing armor that covers both breasts.

We’re happy that Cuccinelli did something about this display of a half-naked Virtus. Think how difficult it must be for state workers in Virginia to be exposed to that bare breast! How can they concentrate on whatever state workers concentrate on? We need more people like Virginia’s attorney general to clean up smut in public places.

We apologize for putting the picture of a half-naked goddess on our page. However, we want our readers to see how bad this must be for state workers in Virginia.

2010-02-05T08:37:00.001-08:00

MIRROR IMAGES

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin likes to think that he and former VP candidate Sarah Palin are opposites in every way. However, even though Perrin would like to deny this, he and Sarah have a lot in common.

The former Alaskan governor talks about stuff like “Obama death panels.” She gets paid big bucks to make a speech to the tea party convention. She’s against everything the Democrats are for. Nevertheless, one of the reasons she attracts so much attention is—let’s face it—she’s hot!

Perrin knows how she feels. Although he is a lot older than Palin, a lot of people think that Perrin himself is pretty hot. “It’s pretty discouraging,” the former English professor says, “when you want to be taken seriously, and women are thinking: Wow! What a hunk!”

Palin campaigns against death panels. Perrin campaigns for cheap beer. People buy Newsweek magazine because it has a picture of Sarah Palin in shorts. People look at Perrin’s blog to see a picture of him in shorts.

Perrin protests that he wants to be taken seriously, but he is realistic. “If people want to vote for me because they think I’m sexy, that’s okay,” he says. “After all, a vote is a vote, no matter what the motivation is.”

2010-02-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

CARL PERRIN MAGAZINE

2010-02-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin doesn’t agree with Sarah Palin on many things, but he has to admit he admires her. She got out of that dead-end job of Governor of Alaska when he realized she could make some real money in the media business.

Right away she had someone dash off a book for her to sign. She got a hefty advance for the book Going Rogue, which became an immediate bester seller. Then Fox News started paying her to get on their shows and tell people what real Americans believe. Now she goes to a tea party and gets paid for giving a speech that someone else will probably write for her.

Her latest enterprise is a single-issue magazine, Sarah Palin: the untold story in her own words. The magazine will retail for $8.99 and will be on sale through the end of April. It will contain lots of pictures of the former VP candidate. The magazine cover asks: Can she save America?

Carl Perrin admits that Sarah inspires a lot of envy in him. Her book is a best seller; he can’t even get a publisher for his book My Run for the White House. She gets $100,000 for giving a speech to the tea party. Perrin can’t even get an invitation to give a free speech to the beer party.

Now Perrin is ready to follow Sarah’s lead. He is going to come out with his own single issue magazine, Carl Perrin: the untold story. The cover will feature a flattering picture of Perrin and ask the question: Can he save cheap beer?

It’s going to sell, not for $8.99 but for $7.99. You can order your copy right here. We will start printing as soon as we have 200 paid orders. The first 100 orders will also get an autographed picture of Dr. Carl Perrin.

NUDE MODEL ELECTED SENATOR

2010-01-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

Republican Scott Brown has been elected senator from Massachusetts, filling the seat held for many years by Democrat Ted Kennedy. Brown is a member of the Massachusetts legislature, a lawyer, and a Lt. Colonel in the National Guard. His career also includes a stint as a nude model. When he was a 22-year-old law student at Boston College he posed nude for a centerfold for Cosmo, and he won the magazine’s “America’s Sexiest Man” contest.

We’re not going to suggest that anyone voted for him because of the naked picture, but it certainly didn’t seem to cause anyone to vote against him. He gathered a lot more votes than his Democratic opponent, Attorney General Martha Coakley, who did not pose in the nude.

Former candidate for the presidency, Dr. Carl Perrin, finds this election quite instructive. In his run for office, hardly anyone voted for him. Would the outcome have been different, he wonders, if he had posed in the nude?

PAT ROBERTSON IS ENVIOUS

2010-01-14T07:51:00.001-08:00

It is clear that the Reverend Pat Robertson is afraid that some right-wing nuts are going to get ahead of him in making outrageous statements. Of course, there are some pretty good contenders for the most outrageous quote. We have Sarah Palin with almost everything she says, particularly her fear that her parents or her baby with Down Syndrome would have to stand in front of “Obama’s death panel.” Then there is Glenn Beck with his description of President Obama as a “racist” who has “hatred for white people.” We can not leave out Rush Limbaugh who said that he wanted everything that President Obama is doing “to fail.”

Robertson tried to get back in the lead of the outrageous gang by claiming that the devastation of the earthquake in Haiti was caused by the country’s “pact with the devil.” After 9/11 the Reverend Jerry Falwell (May he rest in peace) was on Robertson's television show. Falwell charged (and Robertson agreed with him) that that attack came about because God was angry. He was angry because of "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America”

What kind of sick mind blames the victim of all that death and destruction? What kind of twisted thinking looks at all that suffering and devastation and blames it on the stricken people? Don’t people like Robertson and Falwell (may he rest in peace) have any sympathy in their hearts? Don’t they have any compassion in their minds? Don’t they have any Christian charity in their soul?

CELEBRITY SPONSORS

2010-01-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

If you’re a celebrity, you make millions of bucks for playing sports or being in movies, etc. Then, just so you won’t run out of spending money, big companies pay you even more to be spokespersons for their products.

The problem is, a lot of celebrities are super jerks. They really screw up, and it doesn’t look good for the product being sponsored. Tiger Woods had these little flings with dozens of women, and this upset his wife so much that she took after him with a golf club. Before you know it, companies that were paying him millions of dollars for sponsoring their products are saying they don’t want him any more.

Then Charlie Sheen celebrated Christmas by attacking his wife. She called the cops to protect her from good old Charlie. Wouldn’t you know, Hanesbrands had been using Sheen in an advertising campaign. The underwear company decided it wouldn’t be good for them to be sponsoring someone who tried to beat up his wife on Christmas Day, so they dropped him.

Leisure Village celebrity feels bad for those companies. He volunteered to pick up some of the slack in the companies that had sponsored Tiger Woods. Hard as it is to believe, none of those companies responded to Perrin’s generous offer.

Now Perrin has a proposal that Hanesbrands will not be able to overlook. They can use 79-year-old stud muffin Carl Perrin as their representative. Perrin is willing to pose wearing Hanes underwear. When women see him in his Hanes, they will rush out to buy Hanes for their husbands.

PERSON OF THE YEAR

2009-12-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

By now former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is used to being snubbed by Time magazine. Once again the magazine overlooked him when they named Ben Bernanke Person of the Year. Perrin wasn’t even among the also-rans, which included General McChrystal, “The Chinese Worker,” Nancy Pelosi, and some runner guy from Jamaica.

The online version of Time listed a bunch of “People Who Mattered” in 2009. The list included Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and Joe (You Lie) Wilson. Evidently it doesn’t matter whether you tell the truth or not as long as what you say is outrageous enough. Olympia Snowe was on the list. We have to admit, she is one of the few semi-sane Republican members of Congress.

Jon and Kate Gosselin made the list. What did they do? Have a bunch of kids and then get divorced. Hey, Perrin says, Been there, did that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart of “Twilight” were chosen. Perrin was writing vampire stories before they were even born. That clean-cut American athlete, Tiger Woods was on the list.

Dr Carl Perrin was a candidate for the presidency in 2007 and 2008. Has that been forgotten already? Time magazine can go to hell. Perrin has his own little media empire. He publishes the monthly journal, Leisure Times. He maintains the web site, The Leisure Village Voice, and he has his blog, Grammaticus. Through this media empire, he reaches a lot of people. Perhaps Time magazine won’t find it so easy to ignore him next year when they pick the Person of the Year.

LOOKING FOR A SPOKESMAN?

2009-12-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

What do AT&T, Gillette, Tag Heuer, Gatorade, Nike, and Accenture have in common? They are all—or until recently--were sponsors of Tiger Woods. In fact Woods makes—or until recently--made over $100 million a year as a spokesman for various products. Since word of Woods’ extra-marital activities have come out, many of these companies are cutting back on commercials with him or entirely ending their relationship with him. As Accenture said, he is "no longer the right representative" of the company's values.

As these companies drop the famous golfer, they must be in need of a public figure to represent them, someone who is highly respected and good looking. Who could fit that description better than former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? When people know that Perrin uses these products, they will know that they must be good. There may be an ethical problem in sponsoring Gillette shavers. Perrin uses an electric razor. (If the makers of that razor want Perrin to mention it in his blog, they can contact him.)

You can see pictures of two of the products at the top of this page. This plug is free, but if Gillette and Tag Heuer want him to continue publicizing their products, they know how to get in touch with him.

P. S. Perrin is notoriously cheap. You wouldn’t have to pay him $100 million to endorse a bunch of stuff.

ANOTHER COVER-UP

2009-12-06T04:55:00.000-08:00

ANOTHER COVER-UP

People in Leisure Village are still talking about events that occurred on a recent Saturday night when former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin crashed his three wheeler into a fire hydrant and a tree. Perrin refused to talk to police, insisting that he had broken no laws. He also refused medical assistance, saying the only thing he hurt was his dignity when he fell off the three wheeler.

His wife, the beautiful red-haired Janet, appeared with a golf club, which she used to move a tree branch from where it had landed on Perrin’s leg. No one is sure where the golf club came from, since neither Carl nor Janet plays golf.

Unfortunately, Perrin’s reticence has created speculation about why he was riding around Leisure Village on his three wheeler at 8:00 in the evening. Some have speculated that he was headed for the convenience store just outside the village where he planned to get a chocolate bar—even though he is supposed to cut down on sweets.

Since the event Dr. Perrin has not come out of his condo. He still refuses to talk to the police or the press. He has even withdrawn from the spring production of the village’s Bare Bone Theatre, in which he starred in last year in the title role of “The Burglar Returns.”

Perrin’s publicist, Aristotle Mongoose, asks that the public and the press respect Dr. Perrin’s privacy.

UNINVITED GUESTS

2009-12-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin understands how Tareq and Michaele Salahi feel. They are the couple who tried to wrangle an invitation to a formal White House dinner. When they didn’t get the invitation, they went anyway. Michaele bullshitted the Secret Service people by looking through her purse and saying she must have left the invitation in the car.

Perrin understands how they feel because he didn’t get any invitation to the dinner either. In fact he has never received an invitation to anything at the White House. This is despite the fact that he dropped out of the presidential race and urged his followers to vote for Barack Obama. He hoped that a grateful Obama would appoint him to some cushy post in his administration. But, no. No cushy post and no invitation to dinner. Not even an invitation to have a beer with the president.

If he had thought of it, Perrin might have tried to bullshit the Secret Service to get into the dinner. After all, he is no mean bullshitter himself. It’s too late now, of course. The Secret Service won’t fall for that trick again.

Dr. Perrin insists he is not bitter about being snubbed by the White House, but he points out there will be another election in three years. If he isn’t happy with the way things are going, he might run again. He will have learned from mistakes in the last campaign. That will make him a really formidable candidate.

SARAH ENVY

2009-11-19T05:30:00.001-08:00

Dr. Carl Perrin admits that he is envious of Sarah Palin. With the help of a professional writer, she managed to grind out her book, Going Rogue, in four months. She received a seven-figure advance for the work, which was a best seller before it even came out in the bookstores. Right now she is on a book tour, where fans line up to see her and get an autographed copy of her book.

Going Rogue gets even with everyone who did her dirt during her vice presidential campaign: Katie Couric, John McCain’s staff, and the liberal media. There is widespread talk about Palin as the Republican candidate for president in the next election. Democrats are hoping that she will be the candidate. Despite her enthusiastic followers, most of the electorate consider her a poor choice for the presidency.

Dr. Perrin feels that all this is very well and good, but it seems unfair that Ms. Palin can dash off a book so easily, get such a big advance, and have the book become a best seller. Perrin’s book, My Run for the White House, has not even found a publisher yet. His book, which is made up from excerpts from this blog, is sure to be a best seller too, if any publisher had sense enough to take it. The next time you go to a bookstore, you might ask if they have My Run for the White House. If enough people ask, some publisher is sure to pick it up.

On a final note, this week’s Newsweek has a picture of Sarah wearing running shorts on its cover. She pretends to be upset by this, claiming that the picture is sexist. Be that as it may, the picture above left shows that the former governor of Alaska is not the only one who looks good in shorts.

MEA CULPA

2009-11-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

Last week Democratic Governor Jon Corzine was defeated in his bid for reelection by Republican Chris Christy. According to NY Times columnist Gail Collins, this shows that Democratic President Barack Obama is losing his touch with independent voters, and this bodes ill for the Democratic Party and its agenda.

Former Presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin somewhat sheepishly admits that he is to blame for the Democratic loss. “I could have been in the race,” he admits, suggesting that he would have had a good chance of winning the prize. “I know all the people in Leisure Village would have voted for me. They all know me.”

The retired English professor says he was a little bitter about losing the presidential election. “I know, it’s been a year since the presidential election, and I should have got over the hurt of losing.”

Perrin says he has learned his lesson. In a couple of years there will be another election, and he will be ready to run again.

2009-10-08T08:26:00.001-07:00

NUDE MODELS

Levi Johnston is going to pose in the nude for Playgirl magazine. Johntson, you will remember, is the father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild. He is training at an Anchorage gym to get his body in shape for the photo shoot.

Former Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin asked himself, “If the Republicans can do it, what can’t I?” Perrin is offering to pose in the nude for Playgirl or any other magazine if they pay him enough money. “I’m not going to send my grandson or some young kid to pose for me. I’ll do it myself.” Perrin says he doesn’t need to go to a gym to prepare because he’s already in great shape.

We were going to put a nude picture of the retired professor with this post, but Perrin decided to wait. “They’re not going to get a nude picture of me until they pay me for it,” he said.

DINNER WITH SARAH

2009-09-10T08:04:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner date with herself and her husband Todd. The bids on eBay start at $25,000, but the winner does not necessarily get dinner with Sarah and Todd. “Governor Palin reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.” In other words, if she doesn’t like your politics, you don’t get the date, even though you have paid at least $25,000. If you are rejected, your money will be refunded, and the next highest bidder will get the invitation. And the background check.

Retired English professor and presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinks this is one of the best ideas Sarah has had yet. He’s going to try the same thing. The opening bid for dinner with Perrin will be just $100. You can’t go wrong. Dinner will be at any pizza joint in Ocean County, NJ, as long as it serves beer.

The money raised from dinner with Sarah is going to a charity, Ride 2 Recovery. Any money raised from the dinner with Perrin auction, on the other hand, will go toward buying cheap beer for Perrin.

Sarah is screening bidders so she won’t have to eat with a liberal. Perrin is placing no such restriction on his auction. If the high bidder starts yakking away like a right wing nutcase, Perrin will just shut off his hearing aid.

PRESIDENT TO TALK TO STUDENTS

2009-09-04T08:15:00.001-07:00

OMG, on September 8 the President is going to talk to American students about the importance of education and the importance of staying in school! Help! Help! The sky is falling!

Even though George H. W. Bush and Ronald Reagan gave speeches that were broadcast over public television to a number of school districts, some Republicans believe that Barack Obama’s speech is an obvious attempt to brainwash America’s school children. According to this view, if President Obama speaks to school children, it must be some kind of liberal plot. A spokeswoman for the Florida Republican Party says the President should not be telling children what to do. Evidently that means he shouldn’t be telling them to stay in school. Why doesn’t Obama take a cue from George W. Bush, who was in school listening to children read on 9/11? After he was told about the attack on the twin towers, Bush stayed in the class for another half hour. Perhaps he just wanted to know how the story ended.

If the President is allowed to talk to America’s students, the networks ought to allow Sarah or Rush or some other right wing nut to respond. They can tell the Republican point of view: Education ain’t going to do you no good nohow.

We can understand why Republican think that way. If kids get too much education, they won’t fall for right wing bullshit anymore.

COW SHIT

2009-09-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

Leave it to New Englanders not to throw away anything that might be put to good use. Central Vermont Public Service has found a way to create electricity from cow manure.

The cow poop is stored in underground tanks and kept at 101 degrees. The process creates methane, which is used as fuel for generating electricity. Methane is more harmful than carbon dioxide in contributing to global warming.

It is definitely a win-win situation. Instead of creating global warming, the methane helps generate electricity. The dairy farmers get paid for the electricity produced by their cows. This provides a steady income for the farmers, which helps offset the fluctuation in milk prices. Furthermore, since pathogens in the manure are killed by the process, the final byproduct can be used for bedding for the cows.

What is needed now is way spread this program nationwide. We need a commissioner of cow shit. Fortunately, we know just the man to serve in that office. Former English professor, Dr. Carl Perrin, grew up on a dairy farm in New Hampshire. If anyone knows cow shit, it is Dr. Perrin.

We know the president is busy with all kinds of stuff, but someone in the administration should bring to the president’s attention the environmental benefits of a cow shit commission and Dr. Perrin’s qualifications to head that commission.

REPUBLICANS ON HEALTH CARE

2009-08-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Rush is screaming that the proposed health care logo looks like a Nazi symbol. What is the point of that? Does it mean that the attempt to spread health care to more Americans is somehow related to the Nazis? Others are yelling that the ideas being put forth by the Democrats are really socialized medicine. So which is it? Are the Democrats supposed to be Nazis or Socialists?

Now the Republicans are sending goons to disrupt meetings where members of Congress are trying to get ideas from the people about health care. That’s really democracy in action: disrupt exchanges of information on one of the most important issues of the day.

And Sarah—God bless her—is charging that the president’s health plan is “downright evil.” She says, "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care."

Where do these people get their ideas? How could anyone think of her as a plausible candidate for the presidency of the United States?

SARAH RESIGNS

2009-07-04T06:53:00.000-07:00

Most people don’t know this, but Sarah Palin is resigning as Governor of Alaska effective later this month. This news is little known because in front of an audience of dozens, the governor announced the resignation on the eve of the Fourth of July weekend when the media were already preoccupied with the death of Michael Jackson. However, the people who read this blog, all 25 of you, will know, and I hope you will spread the word to the rest of the country.

She is resigning because of apathy, not her own but that of the rest of the country. “It would be apathetic to just hunker down and go with the flow,” she said, but she is not going to do that. She is going to leave office before the end of her term and leave the state in the good hands of Lieutenant Governor Sean Parnell. Wow, I don’t know why we didn’t think of that before.

Sarah went on to say that she chooses “to work very hard for fruitfulness and productivity.” It goes without saying that she also chooses to fight for truth, justice, and the American way and all that kind of stuff.

Ultimately Sarah is making this sacrifice for the good of the citizens of Alaska. With only a year and a half to go in her term, she is a lame-duck. We all know that lame-ducks cannot accomplish much. She is not going to be like other lame ducks and become a burden to tax payers. “Many,” she said, "just accept that lame-duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck and milk it.” But not Sarah. “I’m not putting Alaska through that.”

A lot of people used to think that Sarah Palin is an airhead, but the logic of her resignation announcement should put an end to that kind of talk.

2009-06-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS

Where is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? He is so tired after trying to refuse money from the federal government for education and economic stimulus that he’s just worn out. So he’s hiking along the Appalachian Trial, communing with nature, and renewing himself spiritually. So what if the state police, the lieutenant governor, and his wife don’t know where he is. He just needed to get away.

No! That’s not it at all. He took a quick trip to Argentina, no doubt on some kind of state business.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney denies that Sanford conferred with him about some good undisclosed locations to go to.

Oh no! He was in Argentina, but instead of state business, it was monkey business! It turns out he was having a little fling with someone he met in Argentina a year ago when he went there on an economic development trip. He is resigning as head of the Republican Governors Association. A few months ago some crazies were talking about Sanford as a Republican candidate for the presidency in the next election. I guess that’s all over now.

Meanwhile Alaska Governor Sarah Palin got some “great news for Alaska.” The Supreme Court said it was okay for an Alaskan gold mine to dump waste into nearby Lower Slate Lake, even though the dumping will kill all the fish in the lake.

Palin is calling on other polluters to dump their crap into Alaska’s lakes. She says the Supreme Court’s ruling is "is a green light for responsible resource development."

NIGHT ON THE TOWN

2009-06-02T08:50:00.001-07:00

OMG! President Obama took his wife out on a date for dinner and a Broadway play! To hear Republicans react to it, you would think that he started an illegal war, lied to the American people, squandered a financial surplus and left the country with a huge deficit, hired incompetents for various federal agencies, or something like that.

But no! Instead he took his wife out on a date. How much is that date costing the American people? the Republicans fumed. Why couldn’t he take her out on a date in Washington, D.C., where there would not have been the cost of flying the president and his wife to New York?

Why not, indeed? Well, Mr. Big-Bucks Republican, if you promised to take your sweetie pie to see a Broadway show, would you (and she) be willing to settle for dinner at a local diner and a community theatre production? Why should the president deserve anything less? It’s not like he’s taking golfing trips to Scotland paid for by a since-convicted lobbyist (like a former House Republican).

The expense you seem to be object to is evidently the cost of flying to the Big Apple. Would you have the president book a civilian flight to the city and stand in line to board the flight? Maybe you would prefer that he just stay in the White House and watch a video.

Come on, Republicans. Face it, you don’t have a platform. You just want to go back to the good old days of George W. Bush. How pathetic!

HOPPING MAD

2009-02-13T06:35:00.001-08:00

Carl Perrin is hopping mad. First of all, he finds out that he is not going to be named U. S. Senator for New Hampshire. Judd Gregg withdrew his nomination, stating that as a conservative Republican, he couldn’t go along with President Obama’s Democratic plans. Which makes one wonder if Obama wasn’t taking bipartisanship a little too far in considering Gregg for a cabinet position.

Of course there is still that job of Commerce Secretary to fill, and unlike many of Obama’s cabinet nominees, Perrin doesn’t have any unpaid income taxes, as far as he knows. Someone did let him borrow a car recently while his was in the shop, but we don’t think there’s any income tax liability there.

Despite his clean record on taxes, Perrin is realistic enough to recognize that with his academic background, he is probably not a good fit in the Commerce Department. However, he was hoping to get a high-level executive job at a bank or some other financial institution that has been helped with the economic bailout. But now he finds out that, even if he can land such a job, the Obama administration will limit his salary to a half a million dollars a year.

That’s outrageous! How can anyone live on $500,000 a year? The first thing Perrin would have done with his new salary would have been to trade in his 13-year-old Honda for a Mercedes. That would have taken a big chunk out of his salary. Then there are taxes and all that other nickel and dime stuff. Before you know it, all he would have left to live on would be about a third of a million. It’s hardly enough to bother with.

PERRIN FOR NH SENATOR

2009-02-03T06:12:00.000-08:00

By the time this is posted President Obama will have nominated NH senator Judd Gregg for the post of Commerce Secretary. Gregg will accept the nomination only if Democratic NH governor John Lynch will promise not to name a new senator who will not “change the makeup of the Senate.” Lynch is expected to name Bonnie Newman to the post. Newman at one time served as Gregg’s chief of staff. Part of the understanding here is that she will not run for the Senate seat in the 2010 election.

The NH governor could just as easily name distinguished educator Dr. Carl Perrin to the seat. In a previous posting we noted Perrin’s deep roots in the Granite State. Also they wouldn’t have to worry about his running for the seat in 2010. Perrin will be only 80 years old in 2010. Depending on how things go in Washington in the next two years, the former English professor could be getting ready for another run for the White House.

WILL PERRIN RETURN TO NATIONAL POLITICS?

2009-01-31T12:19:00.000-08:00

New Hampshire senator Judd Gregg is being considered for the position of Secretary of Commerce. We think it would be a good move for many reasons. Gregg played a major part in last year’s banking bailout, so he seems a natural for the position in these troubled economic times. Further, it would be a goodwill gesture toward the Republicans because Gregg is a Republican. However the governor of New Hampshire, John Lynch, is a Democrat. Although Lynch is very independent, it seems unlikely that he would not appoint another Democrat to the position. That would leave the Democrats in a stronger position in the Senate, where they have a majority but not enough members to stifle a filibuster.

The situation leaves Governor Lynch is a precarious position. Whom will he choose to replace Gregg if Gregg in fact becomes Commerce Secretary? Obviously he can’t sell the seat. Rod Blagojevich ruined the chance of any other governor to do that. Nor can he pull a Governor Paterson, who hemmed and hawed and finally appointed Kirsten Gillibrand, a Republican who merely pretended to be a Democrat, so she could pick up a few votes from Democrats who don’t read the newspapers.

Fortunately, there is an easy way out for the New Hampshire governor. Retired English professor, Dr. Carl Perrin, a former presidential candidate, has a strong New Hampshire background. He grew up in the state, graduated from high school in Amherst, NH, holds a BA and an M.Ed. degree from New Hampshire schools. He began his teaching career in Hollis, NH. He even once was a member of the New Hampshire National Guard.

Who could be more natural?

BOOK REVIEW

2008-12-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

If you like to read about political idiots, Paul Slanksy’s Idiots, Hypocrites, Demagogues, and More Idiots, published by Bloombury, is the book for you. It skewers both Democrats and Republicans, although the latter, for some reason, have a lot more space devoted to their stupid comments.

Former vice president Dan Quayle is well represented among the first group:

Talking about child-care, he told one audience, “We understand the importance of having the bondage between the parent and the child.”

He told another group, “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

He referred to members of Bush’s team who had treated him with contempt during the campaign. Now they would have to deal with him. “I’m the vice president,’ he said. “They know it, and they know that I know it.”

Congresswoman Helen Chenoweth is among the hypocrites represented in the book. After strongly denouncing Bill Clinton for his dalliance with the Lewinsky bimbo, Chenoweth was found to have had an affair with a married man in the 1980s. Her indiscretion, however, occurred, she told reporters, “when I was a private citizen and a single woman.”

Loudmouth Rush Limbaugh frequently attacked drug addicts and called for their imprisonment. In 2003 he admitted that he was addicted to OxyContin.

Dick Cheney referred to water boarding as a “dunk in the water.”

Told to put out a cigar in a restaurant because of federal regulations, Congressman Tom Delay, “I am the federal government.”

I chuckled through most of the book, though sometimes I gasped in horror to realize that these were the people running the country. Some of Nixon’s comments revealed on tape were truly horrifying.

The book costs $14.95. It’s worth every penny. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for you liberal friends for Christmas presents.

IT ISN’T FAIR!

2008-12-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Some people have all the luck. A prime example is hair. Some people have more hair than they really need, while others get left out. It’s not just vanity; hair can really help men be successful in life.

A case in point is former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin. Two years ago Perrin threw his hat into the ring as a candidate for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Unfortunately, the voting public found it hard to take a bald man seriously. When it became clear to him that he was never going to win the Democratic nomination, Perrin switched to the Family Values Party. Few people donated money to his campaign, and he wasn’t able to advertise nationally. His candidacy did not even make a blip on the radar screen. If he had more hair, Perrin is convinced he would have been more credible as a candidate.

On the other hand, we have Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who has hair all over the place. Carl Perrin’s mother told him that envy was not an admirable trait, but he can’t help but wonder, if he had hair like the Illinois governor, he could have been the one trying to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat.

SHARING THE PAIN

2008-12-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

Things are really tough on Wall Street. Senior executives at Merrill Lynch will not be getting a bonus this year. The top three executives at Morgan Stanley can forget about their bonuses this year also. However, the 14-member operating committee will still get a bonus, but it will be cut by 75 percent. The president of a New York finance-recruiting firm said, “Clearly they’re trying to spread the pain out a little bit.”

Merrill Lynch CEO John A. Thain requested a $10 million bonus. He had saved the company from ruin by selling it to Bank of America. When New York attorney general Andrew Cuomo and others protested paying a bonus to Thain, he withdrew his request.

Former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin wants to share Wall Street’s pain. Instead of paying that $10 million to John A. Thain, why not give it to a deserving professor like Perrin. The professor would not even object to having the bonus cut by 75 percent. He would be satisfied with $2.5 million.

INAUGURATION FESTIVITIES

2008-12-08T03:20:00.000-08:00

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has not yet received his invitation to the inaugural festivities. Perrin is sure it is an oversight. Some low-ranking clerk forgot to send the message to the former candidate. Or maybe the invitations haven’t been sent yet. There are still over forty days to the big event.

The former English professor ran first in the Democratic primary. When he failed to win the Democratic nomination, he ran as a Family Values candidate, running under that aegis because he has been married three times. True, Perrin did not win any delegates in either race, but he graciously withdrew at the eleventh from the November vote, throwing his weight behind Barack Obama. While Perrin didn’t have that many followers, his withdrawal was a symbolic gesture, a generous offer to back the young man who became president-elect.

Obama’s strongest opponent in the primaries has now been named as the Secretary of State in the Obama administration. You can be sure that she will be dancing at the Inaugural Ball. Perrin admits that he still hopes to become part of the Obama administration, perhaps as head of a commission to keep the price of beer affordable to American working men and women.

The former English professor is hoping that this message will get to someone on Obama’s transition team. Just check out the breakdown in communications and be sure that Perrin gets his invitation. He is keeping his calendar clear so he can attend the big party.

SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR?

2008-12-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

PERRIN LOSES OUT AGAIN
PEOPLE magazine has named some actor named Hugh Jackman the Sexiest Man Alive for this year. What's wrong with them? They could have named the handsome devil above. It's time the title stopped going to all those young guys.

New Jersey denizen Dr. Carl Perrin was not even considered, even though he is the leading man in the village’s Bare Bones Theatre. Perrin keeps hoping that next year he will be the magazine’s sexiest man of the year. If that doesn’t happen soon, the former English professor is considering a suit against the magazine for age discrimination. The AARP is looking into it also.

2008-11-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

What a shame! Ann Coulter had a bad fall last month and fractured her jaw. Now her jaw is wired shut. Does that mean we aren’t going to be able to hear her tell how liberals are conspiring to turn the country over to terrorists? That Democrats are trying to undermine the moral character of the country? That progressives are planning to sell out the nation? Who is going to tell us that we are going to hell in a hand basket now that the Democrats are going to gain power in Washington? Is this the end?

I almost forgot. We still have Sarah. Yes, Sarah Palin can tell the country that the president-elect pals around with terrorists. That when the Ruskies attack, they will hit Alaska first. That she needs some more clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue. That she is prepared to be president in 2012. Thank God. For a minute I thought the country would be in trouble without Ann warning us against the danger from liberals.

2008-11-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

BOOK DEAL

We hear that Sarah Palin is going to get a book deal that will bring her $7 million. You can buy a lot of clothes with that kind of money.

Sarah isn’t the only former VP candidate who is earning some money for a literary project. Rosie Thibideau of Maine earned ten thousand from a national publication. The Enquirer paid the former Family Values vice presidential candidate and Madawaska mechanic for exclusive rights to her story.

“I was surprised when they offered that much money for my story,” Rosie said. “Actually they seemed more interested in trying to find some dirt on Carl Perrin, but Jeez, the guy is 78 years old. How much hanky-panky can you expect from a guy that age?”

2008-11-20T05:54:00.000-08:00

ROSIE HAS A GARAGE SALE

Sarah Palin isn’t the only one who had to decide what to do with a bunch of clothes that the party bought for her. When she went back to Alaska after the election, she had $150,000 worth of clothes from places like Saks Fifth Avenue. When all those liberals raised a stink about the GOP spending that much money on the VP candidate, she said that the clothes weren’t hers to keep. They were just to wear during the campaign. After all, you can’t wear the same outfit day after day if you want to look successful. In between her various speaking engagements, she is sorting out the clothes she had before the campaign and the clothes bought by the Republican party.

Ms Palin isn’t the only one facing that kind of problem. Family Values VP candidate Rosie Thibideau didn’t have a lot of clothes to wear as she campaigned. She was and is a mechanic at the Madawaska garage, so most of the time she wears jeans. She would have been happy to put on a clean pair of jeans on the campaign trail, but campaign operatives insisted that she dress up a bit. They held a few bake sales and such to raise over $500 for new clothes for Rosie. She spent most of it where she usually buys clothes, at WalMart.

Now she wants to get rid of those “political” clothes. She feels more comfortable in jeans anyway. She explains that she has always had one dress that she wears maybe once a year, and she doesn’t need any more fancy duds. The rest of that stuff is going into a garage sale. That includes a pair of high heels. She much prefers her usual work boots. “Can you imagine me wearing high heels while I’m taking an engine apart?” she asked.

2008-11-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

EXPENSIVE BEER

If you order a pint of beer in an English pub, it will cost you about $5.00. Yes! Five dollars! That’s outrageous! Unless something is done, five-dollar-a-pint beer will be coming to America.

Ethanol is the reason for the big run-up in the cost of beer. Farmers are switching from other crops to grow corn to be made into ethanol. That has pushed up the price of food around the world and the cost of beer.

In theory ethanol seems like a good thing. The more ethanol we put into our gas tanks, the less petroleum. We reduce our dependence on foreign oil and help the environment at the same time. When gasoline costs $4.00 a gallon, ethanol costs less than gas, a win-win situation.

The problem is, when gas costs $2.00 a gallon, it is cheaper than ethanol. But that isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that ethanol really isn’t any better than petroleum for the environment. When woodlands are cleared to make room for corn crops, we lose the carbon dioxide absorbing quality of all those trees, thus releasing more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. So ethanol made from corn costs motorists more than gasoline, and its influence on the environment in the long run is the same of that of petroleum.

The influence of ethanol on the economy is negative. Food costs more and becomes scarcer in third-world countries. And the price of beer keeps going up.

Let’s stop this madness before beer becomes too expensive for Joe the plumber and other ordinary Americans.

2008-11-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

SARAH IN 2012

Sarah Palin has already started her campaign for the presidency in 2012. She is going to spend the next four years visiting Africa and some other countries so she will know more about the outside world. Of course, as she will be the first to admit, she already knows a lot about Russia because she can see it from her kitchen window.

She has nothing but praise for John McCain, God bless him, for bringing her onto the national scene, and nothing but scorn for some of his aides. They tried to control everything she said or did and then leaked false stories to the press after McCain lost. “My rallies attracted more people than John’s did,” she said, “and his aides tried to blame it on me.”

“Barack Obama won the election,” she said, “but it won’t take too long for real Americans to get tired of a politician who pals around with terrorists. By 2012 the people will be ready for a candidate who really loves America. But I'm going to get some real pros to advise me, people like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.”

PERRIN WITHDRAWS FROM THE RACE

2008-10-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

In a stunning eleventh hour development, Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has withdrawn from the presidential election.

Perrin admitted that he had known for a long time that he didn’t have much chance to win the election. Why, then, bother even to withdraw at this late date?

“Although I knew I couldn’t win,” the candidate told our reporter, “I do have a big following. I was afraid that my supporters would draw votes away from Obama and throw the election to McCain and the moose lady.” I didn’t want to the American people what Ralph Nader did in 2000. I didn’t want to have that on my conscience.

“I want to thank all the people who supported my campaign, especially all those Mainers who raised money for me by picking up returnable cans and bottles. I hope I will be able to work with President Obama to keep cheap beer flowing to American men and women.

“I wish Obama well, and I have confidence that he will be an outstanding president. But if I am disappointed, I will be around for the next election. I will be only 82 in 2012. Don’t forget Konrad Adenauer was Chancellor of Germany until the age 87.”

EBEN DANFORTH ENDORSES OBAMA

2008-10-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

Former supporters of Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are deserting him in large numbers and switching their allegiance to Barack Obama. Even longtime friends and family are leaving him in the lurch.

On in-law who refused to be named said, “Carl never had a chance. He thinks he’s such a smarty pants, but when you get right down to it, he don’t know shit.”

A former Perrin supporter from Madawaska told us, “He made a mistake in choosing Rosie Thibideau for a running mate. I mean Rosie’s a great gal, and she’s the best damn mechanic in Madawaska, but she shouldn’t be a heart beat away from a 78-year-old president.”

Even Eben Danforth from Grangely, Maine, told us he was going to vote for Obama. Perrin was flabbergasted when he learned this. “Eben Danforth!” he said. “He’s a literary character. I invented him. He can’t vote for Barack Obama!”

At this point things look grim for the Family Values candidate.

THIBIDEAU WANTS MONEY FOR NEW CLOTHES

2008-10-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

Family Values Vice Presidential candidate Rosie Thibdeau wants the party to spend some money for new clothes for her. Noting that the Republican campaign spent $150,000 for fancy new duds for Sarah Palin, Thibeau says, “If the Family Values party wants to win, they have to look like winners.”

Rosie acknowledges that the FV campaign is way behind in the polls, even behind Ralph Nader. “But if we have any hope of winning,” she says, “we have to look like winners.”

Ms Thibideau does not plan to spend her clothing allowance at Neiman Marcus or Saks Fifth Avenue like the Republican VP candidate, nor does she does she expect or even want $150,000 to spend on clothes. “If I could get a couple of thousand, I could get me a real fancy wardrobe. I’d get the clothes at Walmart, just like I always do.”

2008-10-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

LET’S HEAR IT FOR FAMILY VALUES

Florida congressman Tim Mahoney was elected in 2006 to replace disgraced congressman Mark Foley. Foley gave up his reelection campaign and resigned his seat after his naughty messages to male congressional pages were made public. In his campaign for the congress, Mahoney promised that no one would catch him doing what Foley had done.

True to his word, Congressman Mahoney kept his escapades strictly heterosexual. A few days ago news of his affair with a campaign aide became public. While he was running on a family values campaign to replace Mark Foley, he was conducting a little extra-curricular thing with campaign aide Patricia Allen. Later he spent over $140,000 to keep Allen from blabbing about their activities.

Now it comes out that his wife and Ms Allen were not enough to keep him satisfied. It seems that Mahoney had an affair with a “high-ranking Martin County official” in 2007. This was while he was lobbying FEMA to reimburse Martin County for damage caused by hurricanes. Obviously Mahoney is a man who knows how to mix business with pleasure.

The congressman says that his wife has known about the affairs for several months, the payoff money did not come from campaign contributions, and he did nothing illegal. That’s reassuring. For while we thought that the family values crusader had done something wrong.

Mahoney admits that he had "multiple" other affairs, though he couldn't say how many, because he had lost count. "You're asking me over a lifetime?” he asked. “I'm just saying I've been unfaithful and I'm sorry for that.”

SAVE US FROM McCAIN’S ECONOMIC PLAN

2008-10-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

We talked with Maxine Pelletier of Westbrook, ME, a single working Mom. Ms Pelletier is a lifelong Republican who plans to vote for John McCain. The main reason for her voting decision, she says, is that Obama is going to raise taxes, and McCain isn’t. “We don’t need anymore taxes,” she says.

“You must be doing pretty well at your job waiting on table at the Westbrook Diner,” we said. "The taxes will be raised on people making over a quarter of a million dollars a year.”

She conceded that she wouldn’t come anyway near that much money, but there are other parts of McCain’s tax plan, she insisted.

“You mean like cutting the tax on capital gains. You must have done pretty well in the stock market.”

“Are you kidding?” she asked. “Where would I get money to put in the stock market? But I like what Senator McCain says about eliminating burdensome regulations on business?”

“The country wouldn’t be in the mess it is today if the Bush administration had applied more regulation on the4 housing and credit businesses.”

“Well, McCain is going to give us a $5,000 medical tax credit.”

“He’s also going to tax the cost of the medical insurance your company pays. It will end up costing you more for insurance.”

“Anyway, I trust his judgment.”:

“Sarah Palin.”

PERRIN DEFENDS RUNNING MATE

2008-10-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

Detractors have criticized Family Values candidate Dr Carl Perrin’s choice of running mate, Rosie Thibideau of Madawaska, ME. Yesterday Perrin came out with a strong defense of Thibideau.

While conceding that Ms Thibideau did not go to college, he pointed out that she earned a GED from Madawaska High School. Until her deadbeat husband abandoned her, she home schooled her three children. After that she was elected to the Madawaska School Board, where she served for two years. “She knows a lot more about education than a lot of college graduates,” the former English professor asserted.

Thibideau is a single mom, working as a mechanic to support her three children. Many Madawaskans insist, doggone it, that she is the best mechanic in town.

Living right on the border of Canada, Rosie has first-hand insights to foreign relations. In fact she has relatives in Canada. She even does a lot of her shopping in Canada, so she understands currency exchanges.

Her brother-in-law is a noncommissioned officer in the Maine National Guard, so she can get the straight dope from him about military matters.

“Is Rosie Thibideau ready to serve as president if the need arises?” Perrin asks rhetorically. “You betcha, she is,” he answers.

CHENEY: SARAH GOES TOO FAR

2008-10-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

According to Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin has the stuff to be a great vice president. “She knows how to hit those Democrats where it hurts,” Cheney chuckled. I really like some of the things she has said like, ‘As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.’ We need people who think like that,” the VP added.

“She had some good things to say how much we’re doing for children in our neighboring country of Afghanistan. And she hit it right on the head about the Supreme Court when Katie Couric asked her to name a court decision other than Rode v. Wade: ‘Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings.’ -- “She really put Couric in her place.

“I think she went too far, though when she said Obama was palling with terrorists who target their own country. I don’t mind her throwing out wild charges like that, but you have to be careful or the liberal media will jump all over you, and that doesn’t help us at all.”

REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTS

2008-10-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

You have to hand it to those Republican presidents. Since Reagan they really know how to pick a vice president. George H W Bush chose Dan Quayle as his running mate. What better insurance could he have against assassination? Who would be wacky enough to try to murder Bush if that left Quayle in charge of the country? The guy isn’t smart enough to run a lemonade stand, to say nothing of the country.

Then Bush junior went dad one better in choosing Dick Cheney as his vice president. Anyone who hated Bush the younger enough to contemplate assassination would have to consider what the country would be like with Cheney at the helm in name as well as in deed.

We might have thought that this weird kind of assassination insurance was just something that the Bushes practiced, but John McCain evidently thinks it’s a great idea too. He chose a running mate who combines Quayle’s cluelessness with Cheney’s ruthlessness. God help the country if she ever had to replace the 72-year-old John McCain.

PRESS CATCHES UP WITH ROSIE

2008-09-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

A reporter from the Portland Press Herald finally caught up with vice presidential candidate Rosie Thibideau. It was clear that she had spent her time well in preparing for the interview. The reporter Sean Crakajak asked her about the economic crisis facing the country. Ms Thibideau shuffled through a stack of flash cards seeking an answer.

“Sorry, I can’t find my answer to that right now, but I’ll have my staff get back to you.”

“Well, can you at least give us Carl. Perrin’s view on what should be done about the issue?”

Rosie hesitated for only a second before replying, “Dr. Perrin has been a leader on this and other issues facing the nation. I’m sure he has given a lot of thought to the question, and whatever he recommends will be an improvement on what the other candidates suggest.”

“Could we just ask you about foreign relations? A couple of weeks ago you said you understood foreign relations because you had a lot of relatives in Canada. Do you really believe that having Canadian relatives makes you an expert?”

“I never claimed to be an expert, but I do understand Canada. My grandparents on both sides were born in Canada. I go to Canada often. Half the time I do my grocery shopping there.”

DR PERRIN GOES TO WASHINGTON

2008-09-25T06:33:00.001-07:00

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is suspending his campaign until the economic crisis is taken care of. Although he is not sure what he will do about it when he gets to Washington, Perrin says he isn’t going to run around campaigning when the country is in a crisis. “I’m going to think of my country first and do the patriotic thing,” he says. “I’m even pulling my political ads for the time being.”

One reporter pointed out that rumor had it that the Perrin campaign didn’t have enough money to pay for any more ads. The candidate fixed the reporter with an icy glare. “Don’t bring up irrelevant issues,” he said. “Even if I had hundreds of dollars in my campaign fund, I wouldn’t be spending the money and time when my country needs me.”

THEY’VE MADE A MONSTER OUT OF ROSIE

2008-09-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of Rosie Thibideau’s friends are saying they don’t recognize her since Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose her to be his running mate in the upcoming election. She took a leave of absence from her job at Hank Danford’s garage. A lot of her customers are postponing work on their cars until after the election. They are planning to vote against her because they don’t know where they would take their cars and pickups for repairs if she got elected and moved out of town. “Rosie is the best,” one man said. “That’s why I don’t want to see her leave Madawaska.”

“Rosie don’t look the same no more,” according to store owner Orville Henderson. “She’s wearing lipstick.” One store patron added, “She ain’t worn lipstick since she was sixteen.”

“And what about them pants suits?” another asked. “When I saw her in a pants suit, handing out flyers, for a minute I thought it Hillary Clinton. I don’t think I’ve seen Rosie wear anything but jeans since she got married.”

“It’s a damned shame,” her boss Hank Danforth said. “Ever since that newspaper guy got her all mixed up about the state of Georgia and the country of Georgia, the Perrin campaign won’t let her talk to the press by herself. She’s home in her trailer right now, studying maps and things about different countries and stuff.”

PERRIN RESPONDS TO CRITICS

2008-09-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

Followers of the two major parties are charging that Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose Rosie Thibideau as his running mate not for her qualifications but in an outrageous bid to win more votes. Having a woman on the ticket, they charge, is motivated solely to get more woman to vote for him in the upcoming election. Even more important than that, some say, is that Rosie Thibideau will gain him some credibility with conservatives. After all, until a few months ago, Perrin was running as a Democrat who was promising to hold down the price of beer. Finally, they say, Ms. Thibideau has no qualifications to serve as President of the U.S.

Perrin pooh poohs such allegations. “I didn’t even think of her as a woman,” he says. “People in Madawaska agree that she’s the best damned mechanic in town. She is a take-charge person. When Hank Danforth isn’t at the garage, she is in charge. She has executive experience. Furthermore, for the past dozen years she has single-handedly fought a battle against the secular humanists in the school system.” She is definitely a fighter, the kind of vice president, Perrin implies, that will help him turn Washington around.

There was some flap when she seemed to mistake Georgia in the Caucasus with the Peach State, but she later explained that the question took her by surprise. “Anyway,” she said, “if those Russkies try to attack the state of Georgia, we will whip their ass.”

THIBIDEAU DENIES CHARGES

2008-09-17T08:43:00.001-07:00

Former Madawaska second grade teacher Colette St. Pierre claims that while she was a member of the school board, Rosie Thibideau tried to have her fired after Thibideau’s daughter failed a reading test. Ms Thibideau admits that she talked to the elementary school principal about St. Pierre’s qualifications, but that had no connection to daughter Mercedes failing her reading test.

“That woman was teaching those youngsters a bunch of secular humanist stuff,” the former school board member said. She told those innocent children that the dinosaurs had lived millions of years ago. Anyone who reads the Bible knows that the world is only a little over 4,000 years old.”

Rosie also seemed surprised when she was told that Russia had invaded Georgia. “That must of happened during the playoffs,” she said. “During the playoffs, I don’t watch anything else on television.”

She hoped that the situation would be cleared up soon, she said, because she planned to go to Orlando sometime this winter, and she didn’t have to have to go through Russian checkpoints when she drove through Georgia.

ROSIE THIBIDEAU’S BACKGROUND

2008-09-15T06:33:00.001-07:00

The Perrin campaign continues to keep Rosie Thibideau away from the media, so we sent our reporter to Madawaska, Maine, to see what we could find out about her. She certainly has an inspiring story. Most of the citizens from Madawaska whom we talk to thought she was ready to be president from day one if something happened to 77-year-old Dr. Carl Perrin.

Until her deadbeat ex-husband walked out on her, she home schooled her three children: 12-year old Mercedes, 10-year old Frankie, and 7-year old Mitsy. Rather than go on welfare, she got a job working in Danforth’s Garage in Madawaska. As a girl Rosie learned how to tinker with cars, and she is a gifted mechanic.

According to her boss Hank Danforth, Rosie isn’t afraid to get a little grease under her fingernails. “She can just listen to motor and tell you what’s wrong with it. Not only that, but she can take any motor apart and put it back together in two hours.” Danforth thinks his employee will make a great vice president. “When I ain’t here, she’s in charge,” he said, “so she knows how to run things.” Although Danforth wishes Rosie success in her political career, he hates the thought of losing her. “She’s the best mechanic I ever had. She’s twice as good as any man.”

Ms Thibideau would not pose for picture, but she was quite comely in her flannel shirt, faded jeans, and Bean boots. Unlike the governor of Alaska, Rosie does not wear lipstick on put any of that other stuff on her face.

Besides raising her three children and working on cars, Rosie is a member of the Madawaska Fire and Rescue team, pictured above. Unfortunately, she was not present on the day the picture was taken.

PERRIN NAMES VP

2008-09-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin in a surprise move named his running mate this weekend. Rosie Thibideau, a former member of the Madawaska board of education agreed to run for the vice presidency along with Perrin. Although she is little known outside of her hometown in northern Maine, Perrin insists that she will be ready to serve on day one.

Although Ms. Thibideau does not have a college education, she did earn a GED from Madawaska High School two years after she dropped out, pregnant with her first child. “When I set my eyes on a goal,” she said, “I keep at it until I reach it.”

Though the vice presidential candidate did not earn a traditional high school diploma, she served for two years on the Madawaska board of education. It was a stormy time for her. Some of those secular humanists wanted to teach all that evolution stuff at the high school. Thibideau tried to force a ruling through the board that would require the teaching creationism along with evolution, but other members of the board kept voting her down. She ran for a second term in 2004 but was not reelected.

Rosie has rarely been out of Northern Maine, although she went to Portland a couple times, but she doesn’t care for big cities much. Perrin says that her experience in local politics is a lot more valuable than experience in Washington, because small towns are where real people live. She has a lot of insight into the military because her brother-in-law is a noncom in the Maine National Guard. She also knows a lot about foreign relations because she has lots of relatives in Canada.

Our reporter tried to interview Ms. Thibideau at her trailer just outside Madawaska, but she refused to talk to the press, because, she said, “journalists distort everything.”

VEEP SARAH

2008-09-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters that Governor Sarah Palin has the instincts to make an excellent vice president. “Every time I had to get out of sight, I had to go to an undisclosed location, but Sarah hides in plain view. She gets up in front of huge crowds and wows them with snappy comments. She’s fine just as long as they keep the press away from her. Those nosey buggers from the media all want to dig into her background and ask embarrassing questions. No wonder John McCain wants to keep them away from her. They should have some respect for her privacy.”

Sarah Palin is a strong, independent woman, and we could all learn something from her. In her first 18 months on the job as governor of Alaska, she got a $60-a-day per diem allowance for the nights she spent at home rather than at the state’s capital. During that time she spent 300 nights at her house in Wasilla, earning some $18,000 just for staying home! Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has nothing but admiration for the Alaska governor. He would like to talk to her and find out more about that $60-a-day per diem. When he is elected, he plans to spend most of his time at home, and he wants to get $60 a day for sleeping in his own bed.

SARAH BARRACUDA

2008-09-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

John McCain has shown excellent judgment in choosing a running mate who so eminently qualified to lead the nation in his place if the need should arise. While some people questioned Ms Palin’s expertise in foreign affairs, Cindy McCain pointed out that Alaska is our closest state to Russia! That is reassuring. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t see something that obvious myself.

Like McCain, Palin is against earmarks—unless they’re going to Alaska. As mayor of Wasilla, she gained $27 million from Washington for various local projects. She was against Senator Stevens’s “Bridge to Nowhere,” but that was after she supported it. She raised sales taxes to build a hockey rink in her town. Last June she said it was “God’s will” that Washington pay for a $30 billion gas pipeline in Alaska. She said that the war in Iraq was a “task from God.” It is really scary to think of someone who thinks like that with her hands in control of nuclear weapons.

She is really tough in fighting for what she believes in. She threatened to fire the Wasilla librarian who refused to go along with her desire to censor library books. She did fire the public safety commissioner when he refused to fire a state trooper, an ex-husband of Sarah’s sister.

With a little seasoning Sarah could become as skillful as Dick Cheney in getting things done her way. She’s a hunter, and a better shot than Cheney. As Fred Thompson said, “She’s the only nominee who knows how to field dress a moose.” Snicker at that if you want, but you never can tell when such a skill might come in handy for a vice president.